After exhaustive research leading into the third Test, I present valuable insights into the current landscape of English cricket.
©Steve Williams 2023
The current status of English cricket
Category: Ashes
The Ashes On Ice – Cricket Doesn’t Get Hotter™
So the “leadership group” (I use that term advisedly) of the Australian cricket team has sanctioned premeditated ball-tampering… cheating.
Cricket Australia needs an urgent fix. Something to restore the faith of the Australian and global cricket fraternity.
Fear not. I’ve been rummaging around the team kit bag and next to the stained and battered protector, I discovered something that may just save Australian cricket: The Ashes On Ice.
This concept is an absolute jaffa* as Shane Warne says during British TV cricket commentary when he’s pretending to be English. *A jaffa in Australia has a different, orange / chocolatey meaning.
The Ashes On Ice. Just let that sink in.
Imagine the crowd chanting “LILLEE LILLEE” as Dennis Lillee circa 1975 slides to the top of his mark… turns, and comes steaming in from the Nursery End. Gold necklace bouncing…
moustache bristling… ice shredding… that look of unbridled fire towards W.G. Grace who is stoically anticipating a bouncer aimed at his throat. Oh, I didn’t mention the animatronics?
Think about it. Imagine seeing the long-departed Our Don Bradman, Fiery Fred Trueman, Keith Miller, Richie Benaud and other legends of the game get off the ice and promptly back on it?
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Why ice? Why not.
We can recreate the infamous Bodyline series with those arch-villains Larwood, Jardine and Voce taking on the courageous Aussies.
It doesn’t have to stop at Australia v the old enemy. Imagine the unbeatable West Indies,
with the great Viv Richards just chilling out on the ice. Viv never wore a helmet when he batted,
he wouldn’t need ice skates.
The greats of India, South Africa, Pakistan and New Zealand… all battling it out.
Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to relive the infamous underarm bowling incident… on ice?
Then there are the streakers…
“Yes, hello… is that Cricket Australia…?”
©Steve Williams 2018
Cricket memories — as summer as cicadas
Officially, summer starts in Australia on December 1, but to me it’s when the first ball is bowled in the first cricket test.
To mark the occasion, here are some of my random childhood cricket memories.
*Watching two blokes carry a polystyrene esky chock-full of beer bottles (KB?) in front of The Hill at the Sydney Cricket Ground in 1975, when the arse fell out of it. The beer shattered, they were shattered. The crowd roared, the players laughed.
*Foraging in a box of washing powder (OMO?) to discover a cricket card. That smell has stayed with me for forty years.
*The religious experience of buying a brand new Kookaburra cricket ball. Opening the box, unwrapping the paper, gently taking it out. Earnestly polishing (one side) until you could see your beaming face, and never letting it touch the ground.
*My World Series Cricket t-shirt that I wore until it had to retire hurt.
*Tony Greig walking out to bat wearing a motorbike helmet to much laughter. Later sticking his car keys in the pitch while solemnly discussing the mythical “player comfort level” off the high-tech “weather wall”.
*Getting that first “cherry” on your new cricket bat.
*The body-trembling / mind-numbing nervousness of approaching your favourite cricket player on the fence for an autograph, then the exalted glee as you float away gazing at the scrawled signature. I felt exactly the same way meeting Viv Richards when I was 37.
*Missing seeing a test hat-trick. A day at the cricket with dad, who wanted to leave early because the car park “is a shitfight”. We heard the crowd erupt — three times — from said car park.
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*The terror of facing a “rep” fast bowler who started his run-up in the next suburb, and was so fast he had to stop and rest before he actually unleashed the red missile.
*Inventing day / night cricket as a kid in 1977: playing backyard cricket until mum called you in for dinner, then resuming after turning on the single Portaflood light, until mum called “stumps”.
*The voice of Alan McGilvray.
*The “Balls of Steel incident” of 1980. Bowling in a school cricket match, the ball slipped out of my hand and hit the batsmen on the full, in the, er, groinal region. He didn’t flinch. I raced down the pitch “Sorry, mate, are you ok? Good thing you’re wearing a protector.” — “I’m not.”
*Getting into fights for supporting the West Indies instead of Australia (I just preferred the way they played the game). Coruba rum is still a beverage of choice.
*The sound of the stitching of that new Kookaburra cricket ball whizzing past your nose as you missed a hoik over cow corner.
*The image of Dennis Lillee flicking sweat off his brow at the top of his run-up, then that bouncing gold chain as he thundered into bowl.
*Walking into bat, being handed a still-warm protector the just-dismissed batsman had just removed. Talk about player comfort levels.
C’mon Aussie, c’mon…
©Steve Williams 2013
Shock selection for Asylum Seeker Ashes
Australian cricket’s bold recruitment scheme has proved to be a stunning success.
“Boato” talking to potential bat sponsors today (ABC News)
In what is being seen as a snub to the so-called “Centres of Excellence” and “High Performance Managers”, an asylum seeker arrived on Christmas Island dressed as an Australian cricketer.
This is perfect timing for the upcoming Ashes series.
“Boato” as he was named in the traditional beer-soaked nickname ceremony, identified himself as “a fast bowler” as he stepped off the MV Yeah No Wait kitted-out in nautical quality, high-vis Australian one day cricket gear.
Sources confirm that in gruelling net sessions (strung up fishing nets) on the boat, he was “rather handy” with the delicate late cut, and “not too shabby” with the hoik over cow corner, and managed to obtain reverse swing out of the timber deck when the boat listed badly off Ashmore Reef.
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So “Boato” is in fact an all-rounder, which is very timely due to “Watto” being under the proverbial niggling injury cloud or in Australian cricket parlance, “buggered”.
Boato has embraced Australian cricket wholeheartedly — while numerous balls were being fished out of the Indian Ocean, he was seen engrossed in Ricky Ponting’s book, though it is unknown whether he is #TeamPunter or #TeamPup.
Questions are being asked at the highest level as to how Boato and his teammates got through to the Christmas Island keeper, given the left-elbow-very-high-forward-defensive manoeuvres in stopping the swing bowlers and turning back the tweakers. A source claimed Boato slipped through the cracks as the government has not released guidelines concerning soundbite expressions for all-rounders.
Boato will be rushed into the Australian XI and has already signed up for Dancing With This Stars. His signature range of fishing rods and autobiography Boato – In At The Deep End will be released tomorrow.
UPDATE November 12: “Boato” was not announced in Australia’s squad for the First test.
This is obviously a ruse to confuse England.
©Steve Williams 2013