Category: Dear people of the world

Little sons of beaches

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the world. I don’t hate children.

Yes, actually I do, when I’m trying to chill out at an exclusive resort or expensive hotel.

“Hate” is slightly harsh, maybe “vehemently dislike”.

When I’m relaxing by the beach or pool at a sublime, tropical idyll, is it wrong to be searching my phone for the number of the Child Catcher or The Pied Piper to lead little (MUMEEEE DADEEEE WATCH ME!! , WATCH MEEEEEEEE!!) screaming Trevor into very deep, rip-infused water?

In fairness, it is not the kid’s fault, the blame should be laid firmly at the rapidly sunburning feet of the parents. Most kids have the attentive span of a gnat with ADD and become bored quite easily, unless they’re constantly entertained and catered for. What gets me are these selfish parents who take kids to resorts that are obviously “couples retreats” and then proceed to retreat from being a parent. Bored / ignored kid = pissed off other guests.

Hate to break it to you mum and dad, but things do change when you are a parent, you may not think it is très cool to be staying at a resort boasting “Kaptain Krokodile Kidz Clubz” but that is the life you created — literally.
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What also gets me are intimate, boutique resorts, or the “funky” hotels with bars that turn into nightclubs, which say, “we don’t cater for or encourage children”. They may not have the Kidz Klubz, but they often have kids’ menus, kids’ pool toys, happily provide fold-up beds, high chairs etc. Come on, show some intestinal fortitude and simply ban kids, it’s not like your food and beverage profit will take a major hit. How many fish fingers and babyccinos can little Trevor consume? The positive PR you will generate from your real target market will be worth its weight in mini-burgers.

There are an increasing number of “child-free” resorts around the world, even websites nobly dedicated to listing them, though I find it surprising there are not more adults only destinations. I’m not talking about those resorts where you get hit on by sagging, amorous, 75 year old nudists — not that there’s anything wrong with sagging, being 75, amorous, or a nudist, I just find that quadrella somewhat disconcerting.

Interestingly, when I embarked on painstaking, exhaustive research — i.e. Googled “child free resorts”, number four trumpets how “kids stay, eat and play free”.

Oh, the humanity.

Words and image ©Steve Williams

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

Bastard leaf blowers

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the worId.

We are facing many untold problems that impact every one of us — poverty at unprecedented levels, an orange dickhead in the White House, the Great Barrier Reef in critical condition… that’s why I would like to write about leaf blowers.

Seriously, whoever invented this satanic apparatus should be used for the barbaric testing of cosmetics instead of the current cute furry versions.

I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but as I understand it, the premise of the leaf blower is to remove leaves / crap from the front of your house / building to that of the neighbouring premises  — i.e. anywhere away from yours. What a brilliantly selfish concept.

The same principle should be applied to toilets. That would be fun.

I believe leaf blowers also have a “suck” capability. I have no issue with this, if it was ever used. Then there is the noise. Do they have to so be fucking loud? The other day I endured two of these things trying to out-duel each other in a battle that sounded like two A380 aircraft remaking the Deliverance soundtrack.

Surely we can do better — pretty much every day boffins burst out of the shed brandishing incredible scientific advancements, Elon Musk drove his car into space to do a few laps — surely a silent leaf blower can’t be that hard. There has to be a Nobel Peace Prize in it.
They’d get my vote.

©Steve Williams 2018

The Father of the Year demonstrates correct usage

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Still Sons of Beaches

Posted on by SW

Ok Lisa, you win. If your article was written purely to provoke a reaction… I’m reacting.

I took Be rude and I’ll unleash my kids on you as satire… especially the lines, “The life lesson here is if your kids are driving you nuts, they will drive others nuttier. Use it to your advantage.”

Hilarious. I think.

The issue / problem / living hell of other people’s kids f’ing up your / my holiday is well documented.

I wrote Sons of Beaches a couple of years ago for an Australian news website, and the comments were quite fascinating. Yes, I call abuse fascinating.

Many readers didn’t quite get my point, which was and still is: I don’t want to be disturbed at an über-expensive, obviously not kid-friendly resort / hotel by kids. Mine is 27, so that would be quite a concern.

Lisa seemed somewhat proud of her kids driving couples on romantic weekends out of communal pools, which would have driven me to… Damn. I reacted again. Two nil.

In case you missed it, following an auto-Heimlich manoeuvre, here’s a rerun of Sons of Beaches:

“Dear people of the world. I don’t hate children.

Yes, actually I do, when I’m trying to chill out at an exclusive resort or expensive hotel. “Hate” is slightly harsh, maybe “vehemently dislike”.
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Years later, the Child Catcher is still meeting his KPI’s

In fairness, it is not the kid’s fault, the blame should be laid firmly at the rapidly sunburning feet of the parents. Most kids have the attentive span of a gnat with ADD and become bored quite easily, unless they’re constantly entertained and catered for. What gets me are these selfish parents who take kids to resorts that are obviously “couples retreats” and then proceed to retreat from being a parent. Bored / ignored kid = pissed off other guests.

Hate to break it to you mum and dad, but things do change when you are a parent, you may not think it is très cool to be staying at a resort boasting “Kaptain Krokodile Kidz Clubz” but that is the life you created — literally.

What also gets me are intimate, boutique resorts, or the funky hotels with bars that turn into nightclubs, which say, “we don’t cater for or encourage children”. They may not have the Kidz Klubz, but they often have kids’ menus, kids’ pool toys, happily provide fold-up beds, high chairs etc. Come on, show some intestinal fortitude and simply ban kids, it’s not like your food and beverage profit will take a major hit. How many fish fingers and babyccinos can little Trevor consume? The positive PR you will generate from your real target market will be worth its weight in mini-burgers.

There are an increasing number of “child-free” resorts around the world, even websites nobly dedicated to listing them, though I find it surprising there are not more adults only destinations. I’m not talking about those resorts where you get hit on by sagging, amorous, 75 year old nudists — not that there’s anything wrong with sagging, being 75, amorous, or a nudist, I just find that quadrella somewhat disconcerting.

Interestingly, when I embarked on painstaking, exhaustive research — i.e. Googled “child free resorts”, number four trumpets how “kids stay, eat and play free”. (*it’s now a link to another rant)

Oh, the humanity.”

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2014

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

“Smells like…?” The Rash of Celebrity Perfumes

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the world. A doctorate on the psychology of people who purchase “celebrity perfumes” would be quite fascinating reading. I’m not that much of a deep-thinker so I’ll merely postulate — WTF?

I don’t get it. Do these fragrant-followers really want to smell like *insert celebrity name*?

Everything you need to purchase a celebrity perfume

I can honestly say I have never had the slightest desire to smell like Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Bruce Willis, Peter Andre (c’mon, you remember Mysterious Girl – no?) or Elizabeth Taylor — especially not in her current state.

The other even more weird option, is that people feel a connection, or worse, want to be that person. That conjures up rather unsavoury images of Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb in The Silence of the Lambs who had something of a penchant for ladies’ coats — as it were.

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the creatively titled “Tabe” back in 1963. Since then, the floodgates have opened with athletes, singers, TV and film stars — and Peter Andre — all putting their name, sorry, being “heavily involved in every aspect of the design and production.”

Always one to outdo virtually everything and everyone, Lady Gaga’s “Fame” fragrance was reported to have notes of “blood and semen” in the media frenzy leading up to the launch.
No, I’m good, thanks Gaga. The end product was thankfully bodily fluid free, as usual the media were snapping up the morsels of bait she cleverly lobs their way.

Speaking of bait, I wonder if Beyoncé fans have turned up to one of her concerts having liberally doused themselves in “Heat” or “Pulse” so she’d notice them.

You’d like to think not, but then again…

©Steve Williams 2012