Category Archives: Media

Breast In Show – a style Guide for Daily Mail journos

I am devastated. I just came to the realisation that I will never write for the venerable Daily Mail.

I admit it. I am simply not good enough. I don’t have the necessary journalistic talent to appear
in those hallowed pages. I am not worthy. I will never be breast in show.

“A jumbo-sized wardrobe malfunction” how to write captions Daily Mail style

After exhaustive research of the Daily Mail’s website and its antipodean offshoot, there is obviously a comprehensive list of words and phrases that I, sadly, never use in a story.

As a community service for aspiring Daily Mail journalists from someone who has done a few laps of the media block, I offer an informal style guide.

I would strongly suggest you casually drop any or all of the following into your interview. You will either be instantly hired, slapped in the face, or both.

In no particular order:

  • “Ample assets” – this is used to describe the, er, chest region of women.
    Usually preceded by the words “displaying” or “showcasing”.
  • “Ample cleavage” – see above. The good people at the Daily Mail appear to have somewhat of a fascination with breasts. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, though this obviously disregards the achievements of the owners of said breasts. In most Daily Mail stories, these achievements consist of being an ex-cast member of Geordie Shore or a Kardashian.
  • “Trim pins” – what, is this 1953? Who the hell describes “legs” as “pins”?
    I digress, this is usually preceded by “flaunts”.
  • “Pert derrière” – note: “pert” is the only adjective to be used. Even if it is not.
  • “Braless” – this is the Holy Grail for any Daily Mail journo or picture editor.
    High fives all around if it is a Kardashian “drawing attention to her (or his) cleavage”.
    Usually preceded by “Peek-a-boob!” Even elephants aren’t safe.
  • “Sheer” – always preceded by “daring”.

Other phrases that should be worked into a story include “underwear free”, “nude selfie”,
“wardrobe malfunction” (always “awkward”), “plunging gown” (extra brownie points if it has
a “soaring split”), “blatantly exhibited her choice to forego underwear” and who could forget
the rather painful adjectives “eye-popping” and “thigh-scraping”.

“Skimpy sports bra and hot pants” is compulsory for that fortuitous moment when a Z grade celeb just happens to be working out her ample cleavage and pert derrière in a park, and there just happens to be a photographer present.

©Steve Williams 2017

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How many Hollywood stars can a koala bear?

A speech from today’s (very) heated meeting of the Token Australian Animals Association.

A striking koala

“Dear Comrades,

I have called this emergency meeting as a result of today’s Katy Perry patting. Enough is enough! We must rise up against our blatant exploitation by affectionate actors and massaging musicians.

It is time we scratch a line in the tree and say a resounding NO!! to being manhandled for a clichéd photo opportunity while a visiting celebrity smiles into the camera and says “Geeday mate, I love Australia” minutes after arriving from the airport.

It was bad enough when they invaded our territory in zoos and wildlife parks with a fawning media pack, now we are expected to be shunted around hotels, TV studios and entertainment centres like some real life cuddly toy. “OMG, so cuuuute! Can I take it home?” NO!!!

With the royal visit of William, Kate and George imminent we urgently need to form an action plan, because rest assured, there will be koalas, there will be kangaroos!

Our trial Pissing-On Program failed, so we are on strike as of now!

As your president Kev Koala — that’s my stage name — I call on my marsupial and monotreme mates, snake sisters and Blue-tongue lizard brothers to follow our cause with your claws.

Today, I have been in contact with the Australian Funnel Web Spiders, Box Jellyfish and Other Really Deadly Aussie Animals Union, who strongly sympathise with us. Our courageous comrades will allow their members to be used for public appearances. These will the only Australian animals permitted for such wanton exploitation.

In closing, we will no longer be seen as a furry jingoistic souvenir that merely eats, roots and leaves. I ask you, “how much can a koala bear?”

©Steve Williams 2014

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A lovelorn Aussie’s letter to Kim Kardashian

“G’day Kim,

Sorry it’s takin’ me ages to write, but I’ve been off in me ute and just heard the news.

Kim, the Big Wanger is that way…

I can’t believe you punted me for that Carn Yay bloke.
At first I thought it was that Gotyay fella, at least he’s Aussie.

I heard youse and Carn Yay are gettin’ hitched ‘n have a kid named after a compass.

Fair dinkum. So this Carn Yay is ‘sposed to be some creative genius singer? Bullshit.

Yeah no, I reckon I have a pretty good crack at the Oils on Karaoke Night down at the RSL.

I nail Beds Are Burning… that was our song, remember? Not any more it ain’t.
I ‘spose now he sings you one of his crap songs or his sister Beyonsay.

Jeez, I had it all planned Kim.
You could have still done your TV show from out here in Wangarrabee. One of me mates bought one of them flash new Sony Betamax cameras at Cash Converters.

Was it the Aussie food? You know you can get your American food here, Barry at the local truckstop is famous for his Big Wanger.

I heard about Carn Yay’s proposal in that big stadium. He deadset ripped off my idea. I was gunna pop the question at the local footy oval, all me mates would’ve had their utes with the roo spotlights on full bore. Would’ve been lit up like a Christmas tree, real romantic n’that.

Anyhow Kim, I gotta go, they’re about to call the winner of the chook raffle.

Like that song by Carn Yay’s mother, I will always keep up with you.

Love, Trevor”

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2013

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Royal Radio Prank — Ethics v Ratings = Dead Air

“No. Next?” If only that had been the conversation in the “Hot 30 Countdown” production meeting at Australian radio station 2Day FM.

That’s at the core of the so-called “royal radio prank”. The idea of a prank call to a hospital, no matter how innocent the intent, should have been rejected instantly. Insensitive, a waste of hospital staff’s time and simply not funny. Unfortunately ratings got in the way of ethics, and you know the rest.

I’m out of 2DayFM’s target demographic, but I believe prank calls are the laziest and lowest form of radio “entertainment”. The defence that radio prank calls have been around “forever” is flawed. They may be the staple of many radio shows, though I can’t recall any prank calls made to a hospital where a very sick woman in the early stages of pregnancy is being treated. Comparing this to Candid Camera, Punk’d and so-called “gotcha shows” is wrong — there wasn’t a “gotcha” moment, and those “got” did not give permission for their conversation to be aired.

There is obviously much more to play out, claims and counter claims between 2DayFM’s parent company and the hospital, talk of possible legal action concerning listening and surveillance devices, misleading and deceptive conduct, sharing of confidential information, breach of broadcasting codes — the list goes on.

Some basic questions. Who at 2Day FM approved the call to go to air? Why wasn’t permission sought and given? (The station claims it was sought, the hospital denies this). Why was a nurse answering the phone at a private hospital? Did Jacintha Saldanha receive adequate support from her employer? There are more, but these are the most pressing.

Last night’s TV interviews with the two presenters raised more questions than it answered. The naivety (or more likely coached responses) of Mel Greig and Michael Christian in having no idea what happens to material they record — “I honestly don’t know the process” — was quite staggering. I’ve spent a lot of time in radio stations over the years and sorry, that’s just BS.

Why was it only the two of them sent out to tearfully face the music? I assume the program’s Executive Producer, 2DayFM’s Content Director, General Manager and legal team are being interviewed tonight.

Unfortunately they can’t hit rewind and have someone say “no” in that production meeting. Hopefully that word will now be used more often at 2DayFM, but given the station’s dubious history, I won’t be holding my breath.

UPDATE December 12: 2DayFM has announced “advertising profits for the rest of 2012 will be donated to an appropriate fund that will directly benefit the family of Jacintha Saldanha.” A minimum AUD$500,000 will be donated. Cynical media observers are suggesting this is a form of emotional blackmail for advertisers who cancelled to return to the station. 2DayFM also cancelled the Christmas party — an understandable move to attempt to claw back some favourable PR. Hardly surprising, but there were no TV appearances last night by any 2DayFM staff involved in the “prank”.

©Steve Williams 2012

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