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My spa anxiety kicked in while filling in the form — I was handed a cup of hibiscus unicorn tears tea or something. I shouldn’t drink it because I’ll have to sprint to the toilet halfway through.
I felt nothing like this after my spa treatment
Then the change room. What do I need to take off? Everything? Just for a back massage?
So why are those useless disposable undies there? Am I supposed to wear them?
If yes, which way do they go? And why are they so see-through?
Which way does the robe go on?
Remember that time it had to go on backwards Hannibal Lecter style?
Do I have to wear these thongs? (Australian footwear usage)
Who wore them before? What if they had tinea / leprosy / the Black Death?
Ok, so far so good, I’m face down with my head poking through that furry toilet seat thing.
I’m only having a back massage, so why have my undies been simultaneously rolled down and aside to give me a pseudo Sumo / Bondi lifesaver style wedgie?
What if the therapist cracks something and I now have the communication skills of an artichoke?
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Why are they pressing so hard on my kidneys?
Feels like they’re going to burst through my scrotum.
Why am I oiled up like the last meal Elvis Presley ate?
What are you doing near my arse?
“How is the pressure?” I want to scream “You’re f*cking killing me!”, but don’t want to sound weak.
It’s over. “Yes that was wonderful, thanks.” I lied.
A massage in a spa is like a physiotherapy session at a demented dentist — accompanied by mystical rainforest music.
Great. Now I have post spa anxiety stress disorder.
One has to admit it has been quite an eventful few months in the endless battle of nature vs a gentleman’s downstairs department with the unveiling of a testicle-eating fish.
Christmas comes early for the nefarious nut-cracking fish
The horror began in July, when the alleged ball-biter was discovered in a lake in Illinois. Strange, because it is native to the Amazon — the fish, not the balls.
The frequent-flying, family jewels-fancier was identified as a Pacu, which according to one website is an acronym of Penis Amputating Castrations Underwater, and was allegedly invented by a militant group of lesbian atheists handy with genetics. This has not been proved conclusively.
Ancient folklore suggests that the privates-pinching Pacu killed two men in Papua New Guinea by gulping down their goolies.
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Sightings of the knacker-knibbling fish were then reported in Sweden and Paris with alerts that the bollock-biter was headed for the UK. An official government broadcast advised men to keep their love-spuds under lock and key.
Frighteningly, it’s not only nautical nut-crackers men need to be nervous about. Fast forward to September and a baby enjoying a pleasant day at a zoo in China had his man-tonsils mistaken for Mongolian Beef by a marauding monkey.
Following these terrifying testicular attacks, it’s not surprising that a report this week suggested that the size of man’s marbles relates to what kind of a paternal figure he is. Bullshit. Frightened fathers are obviously concerned that their cojones are going to be consumed by nugget-gnawing fish and / or monkeys.
That wise sage Kenny Rogers was right, “you gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to walk away, and when to run.” I’m running.
The chances are fairly slim, but if I were ever to have something named after me, I would prefer a star in a galaxy far, far away — or a postcard-inducing beach — rather than an abscess.
Doctor Strangelove demonstrates Alien Hand Syndrome (wthellokitty.tumblr.com)
I’m sure Sir Benjamin Collins Brodie was a rather pleasant chap who liked patting puppies and drawing unicorns — and by all reports was an outstanding surgeon and physiologist. However, it is an interesting way to be remembered — some poor buggers’ abscess sticking out of his shin being named after you.
Fascinating is it not? Learned medical practitioners devoting their life’s work to science, resulting in their name being solemnly invoked many years later by a poker-faced specialist diagnosing you with Schnitzler Syndrome. Sadly nothing to do with crumbed chicken, this is a rare disease characterised by chronic hives first scratched away by a French dermatologist (according to Wikipedia, so it must be true).
The honour roll of eponymously named medical conditions is rather enlightening.
Bright’s Disease sounds actually rather cheerful, named after one Richard Bright — turns out it is a not overly tremendous chronic nephritis of the kidneys — that was suffered by the author of Dracula, Bram Stoker (there’s one for your next lull in conversation). Doses of Cenforce- Cenforce is an orally administered drug, which is available in different doses 50mg, 100mg, cialis no prescription 150mg and 200mg. Men needs to take little care when they are on the medication seanamic.com price for viagra 100mg with Ajanta Pharma products. When an ED patient takes a buy cialis seanamic.com during a football game. Men with undiagnosed type 2 diabetes order cheap cialis have a low testosterone level.
Speaking of those blood-filtering organs (note seamless Dracula segue), Brewer Kidney has nothing to do with drinking copious amounts of amber fluid; George Emerson Brewer knocked the top off that one.
Alliteration buffs will applaud Horton’s Headache, though sufferers of those bastard cluster headaches named after Bayard Taylor Horton will no doubt ask them to keep it down a bit.
In closing, Doctor Strangelove Syndrome is rather gripping — for the fact that it is named after a fictitious fanatical doctor in a classic film, and is otherwise known asAlien Hand Syndrome— where your mind believes it has a hand of its own — or something.
