Phones on the throne really piss me off

Dear people of the world. I am puzzled by many things, but fairly high on the list is why people make/take phone calls while in/on the toilet.

Mr Bathroom Banana is an excellent “roll model”

Granted it’s probably not the worst sound you could hear emanating from a toilet cubicle, but seriously, why? Do you feel so important sitting on “the throne” that you need to take that call right then and there? Can’t you call them back? If you are that “busy” that you need to be on a toilet teleconference, you have major time management issues. I realise the mobile phone has now become essential for society to function, but surely bodily functions would have slightly more importance.

Really, how vital is that phone call? Unless you’re on speakerphone to an operating theatre directing how to perform emergency neurosurgery or the control tower has patched you in to talk a heroic passenger through landing an A380, it can wait.

Core strengthening exercises can be completed in as little as five minutes a day and may include exercises as simple as controlled buy levitra online breathing techniques and stretching exercises. A Diminished Sexual Drive Issue cialis pharmacy Men believe that sexual problems (such as low testosterone, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation etc.) are the part of aging. In some cases, it might be related take a look at the link here levitra generic cialis to some specific male personalities. Oz has written five books levitra sale about today’s medicine and alternative solutions to health problems. I’ve always found it odd how there is a phone in hotel room toilets. You just don’t want to be visualising (or hearing) what is occurring when the other half of your call is on the line in a lavatory. What is even worse is the fact that I’ve heard people explaining — while expelling — that they are in the toilet. As you would. Apart from the general weirdness, it just seems unhygienic. I don’t want to be having a conversation with someone who continually has to interrupt the call with verbal (or otherwise) bursts of diarrhea.

A hang-up? Absolutely.

©Steve Williams 2012

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

Is there a nicotine patch strong enough for this?

Ok. I am not a leading expert in world’s best practice on prisoner rehabilitation — my experience with the prison system is limited to the weekly goings-on of “Vinegar Tits” and “The Freak”, endless taunts of “Ya fat dyke bitch”, and inmates having various parts of their anatomy rendered wrinkle-free in the laundry steam presses in Prisoner.

So when I read that the good guardians of Lithgow jail, sorry, “Correctional Centre” are living up to their name by correcting the habits of their house guests by trialling a ban on smoking in cells and prison buildings, I wondered how the “Top Dog” Queen Bea, Franky, Doreen, Karen, Lynn, et al would have reacted. Um, not well. Especially that chain-smoking Lizzie.

The story in the Daily Tele reveals how the ban will allow smoking only in “designated outdoor areas”. That has to be taking the piss doesn’t it? “Sure Trevor, you can still smoke outside. Oh that’s right, you’re locked up for sixteen hours a day”.

I fired up in The Punch recently about banning smoking, but I was actually meaning to be able to sit outside at a restaurant enjoying a pleasant sea view, not somewhere where I will hopefully never set foot. They may as well ban smoking in a Catholic church confessional, or the 63rd moon of Jupiter. They have? Really?

So to be brutally honest, I kind of couldn’t care less. I understand how they are trying to protect prison staff and non-smoking prisoners from the delights of passive smoking, which is obviously a good thing, but you would think those prisoners may have one or two other things to worry about.
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This is going to spark furious debate. I’m sure the average Joe or Josephine on the street will be ecstatic about the ban — “leave ‘em to rot in there”, “they shouldn’t have any rights”, “why should my tax payer’s money go to them lot buying fags” etc, etc.

The other side of the pack is from prisoners’ rights activist Brett Collins, who not surprisingly calls the ban an “outrage and a provocation”. I agree with him that this could create a potentially dangerous situation for the prison guards, when the place is a “tinder-box” already. Can’t be the cushiest job in the world at the best of times.

Apparently next up is a ban on tattoos, lifting weights and the f word. Time to call in The Freak and Vinegar Tits.

Words ©Steve Williams 2012

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

The Poms are a weird mob

If they were handing out gold medals for the most bizarre Olympic mascots, the characters for the London 2012 games would wins hands down.

Sadly, this isn’t one of the mascots

That is, if they had hands. Wenlock and Mandeville (catchy names) were apparently “created from “the last two drops of British steel used for the London 2012 Olympic Stadium.” More like an alcohol and substance fuelled creativeworkshopthinktank.

To me they look like the result of a frenzied sexual encounter between a secondhand Logie (a fugly Australian TV award) and a Teletubbie. And the blue one looks like it has an incontinence problem.

I’m no mascot designer, a job where you’re on a hiding to nothing (apart from the pay cheque), but at least previous Olympic mascots had some connection, however random, to their country and didn’t need a website to explain just what the hell they’re supposed to be.

These explanations usually contain the words “magical” and / or “mystical”.

Wenlock and Mandeville arrived to howls of protest in the UK, so it’s probably a good thing they only have one eye.

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Then you’ve had some other mascots that were very left of stadium – Izzy the something from the 1996 Atlanta games, and the rather phallic looking Phevos and Athena from Athens in 2004. Design is obviously in the (one) eye of the beholder.

Then again, maybe my design sense is flawed from being slightly traumatised by a mascot years ago. Actually it was a rather famous, rotund animal character from a popular TV kids show. I was in far north Queensland in Australia and they happened to be shooting a scene for the show as I wandered past. They had a break and the character took his head off, and the bloke inside exclaimed “How f*****n’ hot is it?!” and lit up a cigarette. Well it was rather warm.

Wenlock and Mandeville are getting plenty of media coverage, which is probably the idea, but will they become as loved as Sydney’s very own Fatso the wombat?

Wonder what he’s up to? Maybe we could lend him to them…

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2012

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

Mobile phones in the air are virgin’ on plane ridiculous

Dear Sir Richard Branson, What have you done? Seriously, what the hell have you done?

Hopefully Sir Richard will install these on his aircraft

I admire your stunning business acumen, your ballooning skills, your outrageous PR stunts,
I’ve bought many Virgin records over the years – in fact I still have an original vinyl copy of Never Mind The Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols. Love your work.

However, what’s this about allowing mobile phone calls on Virgin Atlantic flights? Tell me you’re taking the piss.

Cramming hundreds of people into a flying metal tube for endless hours is fraught with social problems as it is – screaming brat children kicking the back of your seat, rabid seat recliners, dickheads cramming everything they own in the overhead storage cabin so there’s no room for your stuff, über-backpack wielding morons dislocating shoulders as they bump their way up the aisle, farting businessmen, the list is endless.

Now you want to add annoying expletives-making phone calls? I beseech thee, please reconsider.

“I’m on the plane… yeah, I’m on the plane! Hang on, I’ll look out the window, yeah, no… I think we’re flying over eastern Siberia. Is Aaahliya there? Hello sweetheart, it’s daddy. Yeah, I’m on the plane…”.

Or: “We need to have some face-time on the core competency, but if we buy-in and open the kimono and get some leverage, I think it will be scalable…”.

You can only imagine the riveting conversations you’ll have to endure. You will feel like ripping your ears off, and ramming them down their throat to muffle the noise.

Sir Richard, there is a reason the other airlines put the kybosh on this insanity. No one wants to sit next to someone using a mobile phone. Sure I don’t have to fly your airline, but if you go ahead with this madness, the others might reconsider, and then life will end as we know it.

Might I suggest if this does happen, your flight attendants hand out baseball bats and parachutes.

Words ©Steve Williams 2012

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*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au