Munich – a winter wonderland

Wandering around the stunning winter wonderland of Munich with my Nikon…

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©Steve Williams 2019

Bastard Backpacks

Dear the bastard backpack wearing fraternity of the world.

I’m sure some of you are very nice people who enjoy tickling kittens under their chin, love unicorns, and liking everyone of your Facebook friend’s posts, but some of you are absolute bastards. Seriously.

When I refer to “bastard backpacks”, I’m not talking about the noble types who trudge around Kathmandu et al taking-an-undisclosed-period-of-time-off-to-travel-the-world type of backpacker, or kid-wrangling parents on a trip to the zoo lugging little Trevor’s favourite toys and his organic quinoa treats, or school kids struggling with their textbooks. That is, if kids still have textbooks. I remember having to wield the “Web of Life” biology textbook in my schoolbag – heavy as an absolute mofo.

But I digress, I’m taking aim at the commuting corporate warriors — I’m sure you know the type — the women, but mainly men (who most likely work in the financial industry) who infect trains, buses, ferries and planes with their massive cancerous growths on their backs, not giving a tinker’s cuss for you and me, as they take out innocent and unsuspecting citizens with every entitled swivel of their shoulders.

Credit: the very amusing @WeFixYourAdvert
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A question for you bastard backpack expletives, so when you put your backpacks on, does your spatial awareness suddenly evaporate along with what was remaining of your fashion sense?

Don’t you realise that when you have your laptop and other geeky apparatus strapped to your back like a dork baby koala, you may, just may, be slightly inconveniencing the rest of the world? No? Didn’t think so.

A friend of mine was catching a bus the other day and had a bloke resting his backpack on his head. As one does. As my friend said, “Words were exchanged”.

A friendly suggestion – take the f*cking thing off before you get on the train / bus / ferries / plane. There. That wasn’t hard was it? It’s called “consideration”.

The next one of your kind who almost dislocates my shoulder as you bump your way down the aisle of a plane with your backpack because you’re too much of a tightarse to check in your luggage… (but that’s for another serve of randomswill).

Words ©Steve Williams 2018

Sydney The High Vis City

So I was back in Sydney recently. I live in Europe, and it was the first time I had been back in Sydney in almost four years.

Being a fairly observant type, I noticed quite a few changes. In no particular order…

*Why is every pub meal now $30? A few years ago if you paid 15 bucks you were ripped off.

*Why does every pub have those same funky hipster light globes? Maybe that explains the above.

*Why do restaurants have those BS time-limited seatings? “We’ve managed to fit you in at 3.27am but we will need your table at 3.29am.”

*Why are those towers at Barangaroo designed so they will look dated in about half an hour?

*Why is there an M4 freeway… M5 and M7 but no M6? Also what the hell is the A4?
My hire car’s satellite navigation thingo had NFI.

*Speaking of the M4, why didn’t they future-proof it when they first built it, instead of digging it up every five minutes and turning it into a seething, angry carpark?
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*Why does every beverage you order anywhere arrive in a mason jar? Have glasses been banned
as part of the lockout laws? I want a drink, not a pickle or a secret handshake.

*Why does the entire population of Sydney now sport a High Vis vest? When did that become a thing? I saw a photo of HSC markers wearing them. The most dangerous thing that could possibly ever happen to them is a rather nasty paper cut.

*When did Australian TV become so, well, crap? I watched Goggle Box for the first time
and I thought the TV shows they were discussing were parodies. Apparently they’re not.

*Can someone, anyone, please do something about Sydney Airport? It really is a shocker.

*Without sounding like a squawking breakfast radio announcer, why are there posters around the city saying “Happy Christmas” instead of “Merry”? Is the word “Merry” offensive now?
I didn’t get the email.

Having said all that, it was wonderful to be back.
Sydney really is one of the greatest cities in the world.

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2017

Space – The Final Frontier For Annoying Tourists

I noticed that Mr Tesla Elon Musk’s spacecraft company SpaceX is planning to launch two tourists on a private “mission” around the moon in 2018. Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic is also close-ish to launching tourist-laden flights. Exciting times.

In space no one can hear your pathetic life jacket whistle

Space tourism is an amazing concept, but think of the downsides. We’ll be potentially rocketing our planet’s rude tourists into outer space. Which could actually be a good thing, if it weren’t for those pesky return tickets.

At this stage, intrepid space tourists obviously won’t leave the spacecraft; they’ll be only peering out the window (this is when you WILL want a window seat). Eventually we’ll be doing day trips to other planets, solar systems, galaxies, even universes (universi?)

Here is my advice for would be space travellers:

*As you board the spacecraft, don’t hog the overhead locker. You’ll only be wearing the one spacesuit, you won’t need 437 suitcases.

*Don’t disturb the person next to you when continually floating to the bathroom, or joining your friends a few rows back for a space food stick.

*Please pay close attention to the inflight safety demonstration, especially the bit about the whistle and light on your life jacket. Actually don’t bother, in space no one can hear you whistle.

*While strapped into the spacecraft, please don’t let little Trevor kick the back of the seat in front of him. It’s a long flight.

*Trevor continually whining “Are we there yet?” is rather pointless, you’re in space, and the distances are quite long.

*If you book a trip to a resort on Mercury which is the closest planet to the sun, don’t forget your 2,000,000 Plus sunscreen, it’s a tad warm.

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*When you’re on Neptune, don’t take out someone’s eye with your humongous selfie stick while getting the perfect shot of Uranus.

*Don’t be the annoying person who continually whinges, “Everything is so much better / cheaper / cleaner etc back on Earth.”

*When you’re buying a souvenir on Venus, please don’t ask, “But how much is that in dollars?” Also, don’t haggle. The concept is foreign to anyone but irritating earthlings.

*Surprisingly, not everyone on Jupiter speaks English.

*American tourists, please don’t be obnoxious. You’re not on Earth anymore.
Please STFU, show some respect for a change. At least the space suit will cover up your fugly bumbags (“fanny packs” to you) and the compulsory sandal and socks combo for Germans.

*Speaking of German tourists, you won’t have to run out at 3am to reserve a sun lounge on Mercury. It takes just over 58 Earth days for the sun-worshippers of Mercury to experience a single day. Also, I wouldn’t do the nudist thing on Mercury.

*Chinese tourists, I know some of you like to defecate on public transport, shopping malls and just about anywhere. In space, that shit will just stay in your suit, sorry.

*Australian tourists, please don’t be a bogan. The good people of Saturn haven’t had a close encounter of the bogan kind. Don’t be the first.

©Steve Williams 2017

*This piece also appeared in The Huffington Post Australia: 14 Tips For Potential Space Travellers