Ok. I am not a leading expert in world’s best practice on prisoner rehabilitation — my experience with the prison system is limited to the weekly goings-on of “Vinegar Tits” and “The Freak”, endless taunts of “Ya fat dyke bitch”, and inmates having various parts of their anatomy rendered wrinkle-free in the laundry steam presses in Prisoner.
So when I read that the good guardians of Lithgow jail, sorry, “Correctional Centre” are living up to their name by correcting the habits of their house guests by trialling a ban on smoking in cells and prison buildings, I wondered how the “Top Dog” Queen Bea, Franky, Doreen, Karen, Lynn, et al would have reacted. Um, not well. Especially that chain-smoking Lizzie.
The story in the Daily Tele reveals how the ban will allow smoking only in “designated outdoor areas”. That has to be taking the piss doesn’t it? “Sure Trevor, you can still smoke outside. Oh that’s right, you’re locked up for sixteen hours a day”.
I fired up in The Punch recently about banning smoking, but I was actually meaning to be able to sit outside at a restaurant enjoying a pleasant sea view, not somewhere where I will hopefully never set foot. They may as well ban smoking in a Catholic church confessional, or the 63rd moon of Jupiter. They have? Really?
So to be brutally honest, I kind of couldn’t care less. I understand how they are trying to protect prison staff and non-smoking prisoners from the delights of passive smoking, which is obviously a good thing, but you would think those prisoners may have one or two other things to worry about.
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This is going to spark furious debate. I’m sure the average Joe or Josephine on the street will be ecstatic about the ban — “leave ‘em to rot in there”, “they shouldn’t have any rights”, “why should my tax payer’s money go to them lot buying fags” etc, etc.
The other side of the pack is from prisoners’ rights activist Brett Collins, who not surprisingly calls the ban an “outrage and a provocation”. I agree with him that this could create a potentially dangerous situation for the prison guards, when the place is a “tinder-box” already. Can’t be the cushiest job in the world at the best of times.
Apparently next up is a ban on tattoos, lifting weights and the f word. Time to call in The Freak and Vinegar Tits.
Words ©Steve Williams 2012
*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au