Still Sons of Beaches

Ok Lisa, you win. If your article was written purely to provoke a reaction… I’m reacting.

I took Be rude and I’ll unleash my kids on you as satire… especially the lines, “The life lesson here is if your kids are driving you nuts, they will drive others nuttier. Use it to your advantage.”

Hilarious. I think.

The issue / problem / living hell of other people’s kids f’ing up your / my holiday is well documented.

I wrote Sons of Beaches a couple of years ago for an Australian news website, and the comments were quite fascinating. Yes, I call abuse fascinating.

Many readers didn’t quite get my point, which was and still is: I don’t want to be disturbed at an über-expensive, obviously not kid-friendly resort / hotel by kids. Mine is 27, so that would be quite a concern.

Lisa seemed somewhat proud of her kids driving couples on romantic weekends out of communal pools, which would have driven me to… Damn. I reacted again. Two nil.

In case you missed it, following an auto-Heimlich manoeuvre, here’s a rerun of Sons of Beaches:

“Dear people of the world. I don’t hate children.

Yes, actually I do, when I’m trying to chill out at an exclusive resort or expensive hotel. “Hate” is slightly harsh, maybe “vehemently dislike”.
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Years later, the Child Catcher is still meeting his KPI’s

In fairness, it is not the kid’s fault, the blame should be laid firmly at the rapidly sunburning feet of the parents. Most kids have the attentive span of a gnat with ADD and become bored quite easily, unless they’re constantly entertained and catered for. What gets me are these selfish parents who take kids to resorts that are obviously “couples retreats” and then proceed to retreat from being a parent. Bored / ignored kid = pissed off other guests.

Hate to break it to you mum and dad, but things do change when you are a parent, you may not think it is très cool to be staying at a resort boasting “Kaptain Krokodile Kidz Clubz” but that is the life you created — literally.

What also gets me are intimate, boutique resorts, or the funky hotels with bars that turn into nightclubs, which say, “we don’t cater for or encourage children”. They may not have the Kidz Klubz, but they often have kids’ menus, kids’ pool toys, happily provide fold-up beds, high chairs etc. Come on, show some intestinal fortitude and simply ban kids, it’s not like your food and beverage profit will take a major hit. How many fish fingers and babyccinos can little Trevor consume? The positive PR you will generate from your real target market will be worth its weight in mini-burgers.

There are an increasing number of “child-free” resorts around the world, even websites nobly dedicated to listing them, though I find it surprising there are not more adults only destinations. I’m not talking about those resorts where you get hit on by sagging, amorous, 75 year old nudists — not that there’s anything wrong with sagging, being 75, amorous, or a nudist, I just find that quadrella somewhat disconcerting.

Interestingly, when I embarked on painstaking, exhaustive research — i.e. Googled “child free resorts”, number four trumpets how “kids stay, eat and play free”. (*it’s now a link to another rant)

Oh, the humanity.”

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2014

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au