A love letter to Sydney…

So. I’ve moved back to Sydney after living overseas since way back in 2005.

Looks like someone’s god is about to speak

Apart from family and friends, in no particularly order, here are a few things I’ve missed in almost 19 years living away… my Sydney love letter.

*Kookaburras… with the wombat, the kookaburra is a rather underrated Australian icon compared to the kangaroo and koala, but we kind of like it that way.

*The sky… the Sydney/Australian sky is absolutely breathtaking. That blue…

*The Harbour Bridge… although I’ve driven/trained/walked over the Bridge a gazillion times, it always feels like the first time. I often think of my grandmother who walked across the Bridge the day it opened on Saturday March 19, 1932, wearing an outfit she had specially made for the occasion. She even took her shoes off and carried them as her feet were hurting. Unheard of in 1932!

*Wendy Whiteley’s Secret Garden… but shhhhhh… don’t tell anyone.

*Sandstone… the look and texture. The “Sandstone Precinct” on Bridge St featuring the Lands and Education Department Buildings is one of my favourite parts of the city. The former Education Department building has been transformed into the stunning Capella Sydney hotel. 

*The Australian humour… irony, sarcasm… taking the piss. Love it.

*The Royal Botanic Garden Sydney… Sydney’s magnificent backyard. Though it could do with losing the word “Royal”.

*Rainbow Lorikeets… those random, screeching flashes of colour.

*The beaches… all of them… but I’m looking at you, Balmoral, Whale and Palm. Though I don’t love Balmoral when you hire a car on a scorching summer Saturday, get there at 7.45am, spend 40 minutes trying to find a parking with no luck. Peak Sydney.

*Food, glorious food. Sydney’s dining scene is incredible… from a succulent Chinese meal to any cuisine you can think of.

*The Sydney Cricket Ground… though I do miss the old scoreboard.

*Sydney ferries… the best way to travel. Being on a (Manly) ferry as it cuts its way to Circular Quay, or anywhere in Sydney Harbour is always a wonderful experience. But I do miss the old-school ferries.

*The Opera House… those pristine, sparkling white sails mask the controversy that marred the design and construction. It really is incredible… as are the performances I’ve seen inside.

*Seafood… a veritable smorgasbord. Just don’t come the raw prawn, er, mate.

*Australian wine… I’m rather un-Australian in that I’m not a beer drinker. It’s great living here and not having to pay a billionty dollars for brilliant Australian wine.

*The Elizabeth Street entrance to St. James station… the famed Château Tanunda neon sign has been there since 1926.

*Friendliness… going for an early morning walk and people nodding, saying “Morning”. You miss that.

*Sydney Harbour… absolutely every single thing about it.

*Hyde Park… smack bang in the CBD… the fig tree-lined avenues, the spectacular, mythical Archibald Fountain featuring Apollo, Diana and his mates.

*Taronga Zoo… definitely a zoo with a view.

*The kulcha… art galleries, theatres (special mention to the magnificent State Theatre and the vertigo-inducing Theatre Royal), museums, music venues… etc, etc.

As that old song by Tommy Leonetti goes, “My warm city of Sydney / I’ve never been away.”

©Steve Williams 2023

ASMR to annoying AF: The future of reality TV is here and it’s f*cking terrible

By not rustling her chip packet, Janet will be a dismal failure on Krunch Kamikazes

I see there’s a new reality TV show in Australia called Blow Up. I’m not making this up.

Interesting name, though wannabe suicide bombers will be bitterly disappointed when they realise that the blowing up bit only refers to balloons, not themselves.

According to the breathless (sorry) release from the network, “In a celebration of skill, precision, creativity and joy, Blow Up transforms the humble balloon into jaw-dropping and awe-inspiring artistic creations.” So it’s people MacGyvering stuff out of balloons. 

The Blow Up concept is originally from the Netherlands, which is the spiritual home of bizarre reality show concepts. This is the country responsible for Deal or No DealBig BrotherCelebrity SaviourThe Voice, Incontinence IslandFear FactorDating in the Dark and more.

Balloon MacGyvering is a serious business. The judge of the Australian version has the letters “CBA” after his name, which is “Certified Balloon Artist”. Not sure who he is certified by, but I’m an ordained reverend after five minutes on the internet, so who am I to judge?

My biggest concern about this TV show, apart from the everything, is the sound of balloons being man/woman/person-handled. That squeaking-scrunching audio abomination has to be one of the worst sounds ever, even if the balloon brandisher does create a cute animal an easily impressed four-year-old loses their shit over.

In keeping with this extremely niche reality TV show theme of annoying AF sounds, I’m currently pitching the following shows. If viewers love (or hate) the look and sound of people squeaking balloons (not a euphemism), they’ll be all over these concepts: 

*Slurp Showdown: Contestants compete to see who can slurp their tea / coffee / soup / liquid of choice the loudest and most obnoxiously. The cast will predominantly consist of deaf (sorry, hearing-impaired) senior citizens. Teeth optional. 

*Leaf Blower Love Connection: Singles (desperate for romance and more importantly the chance to become a social media influenza and join an FM radio breakfast crew for half an hour until the ratings tank) are paired up. They are sent on dates where they must recreate the lyrics to one-hit wonder love songs with leaves and then perform the number with said leaf blower.

*Polystyrene Panic: The talent is placed in a room filled with polystyrene pieces and must endure the sound of them rubbing together (the polystyrene, not the talent) for as long as possible. The last person standing wins a cash prize and all the polystyrene they can eat.

*Sniffing Superstars: Contestants show off their talent for sniffing loudly and obnoxiously, with judges critiquing and rating each performance. Additional points for the farming of bush oysters. Simon Cowell is interested.

*Pen-Clicking Island: Marooned on a deserted island with only a never-ending supply of old-school click pens for entertainment, the last person to go insane from the sound wins a shitty prize.

*Krunch Kamikazes: The kontestants are confined to a cinema screening endless silent movies and are challenged to rustle and crunch as many packets of chips as they can. The last person not to be killed by movie-goers wins a shitty prize. Deaf senior citizens need not apply.

But here’s the pièce of résistance…

A truly evil reality show that combines some of the above annoying AF sounds with a shock twist… it’s set in an open plan office, AKA a bullshit “collaborative workspace”.

For your consideration: Open-Plan Armageddon: A group of co-workers are locked in a hellscape open-plan office filled with clicking pens, slurping, sniffing and noisy chip-crunching, constant interruptions of colleagues wanting to “touch base”, irritating keyboard clicking, loud phone calls, eternal PowerPoints and oh, so much more. Definitely no WFH here. We can even throw in the odd D-grade celebrity intruder brandishing a leaf blower, polystyrene and balloons. The last person to lose their fucking mind wins a prize.

“Hello, is that the gazillion-dollar Dutch reality TV show company?”

©Steve Williams 2023

World Cup soccer… the beautiful game? Nah.

I’ve never really been into soccer… sorry… football. Actually, f*ck it, I call it soccer.

Definitely not my soccer trophy, they didn’t have participation medals back in the day

My soccer experience was limited on the field… sorry… pitch… to a season in the Under 6 minus Zs, where I was tried in every position except as part of the goal posts, which I would have been very good at if I was a bit taller. The games consisted of a manic scrum of kids swarming around the ball like cranky seagulls around a hot chip, randomly kicking at air, the other kids’ ankles and very occasionally the ball. Passing and positions were non-existent. I was quite happy being left right out.

My soccer career later moved to the stage, where I had a religious experience when cast in a high school play about football hooliganism called Zigger Zagger. I was the “Football Fan Vicar”. From hazy memory the role involved pontificating biblical passages infused with soccer references. I wasn’t converted. To either soccer or religion.

DISCLAIMER: I admit I know less than zero about the tactics of soccer, but I can’t deal with the pathetic milking-a-penalty-by-rolling-around-on-the-ground-in agony-after-not-even-being-touched-before-jumping-up-five-seconds-later-shit. Maybe Jesus does perform soccer miracles after all… they say he saves, so why not? FIFA should introduce a rule that If a player is on the ground, they should be euthanised on the pitch, like they do with those poor Melbourne Cup racehorses. That would make it interesting and stop the bullshit penalties.

Soccer is apparently called the “beautiful game”. NFI why. Passing the ball backwards sometimes right back to the goalkeeper has me yelling “FFS THE GOAL IS THAT WAY!! Then there are the nil-all draws. Boring AF. It’s the equivalent of watching a cricket test that ends in a dull draw, without the bad acting.

Also, WTF is it about taking maritime distress signals… flares… to a game of soccer… or worse, where fans are only watching a game on a big screen thousands of kilometres away from where the game is actually being played. The other night quite a few people were injured at live viewing sites around Australia, including a woman who received an involuntary haircut thanks to a flare-wielding moron. Who was the first person to bring a flare to a soccer game… was it a mistake? Did it happen to be left over in their bag after some nautical voyage and they thought my team just scored, so why not?

I may not understand soccer at all, but I really love the passion (obsession) displayed by fans (apart from the flares). You really can’t compare it to any other sport.

My Croatian-born wife and I were lucky enough to be in Croatia during the last few games of the 2018 World Cup and it was amazing, an incredible experience. We watched the semi final against England with family from Sydney in an Italian restaurant in Makarska… as you do, which was heaving. Such a great atmosphere. When Croatia scored their two goals and eventually won, the place absolutely went off. The one table of English types quietly gave themselves the red card and skulked away before the full-time whistle. Unfortunately Croatia’s loss to France in the final led to a more subdued atmosphere, but the pride in their team was palpable. So glad we were there to experience it.

We also witnessed the passion when we lived in Munich during two World Cups. When Germany won in 2014, fans poured into the streets, singing and dancing and letting off fireworks and we actually witnessed the rare sight of Bavarians smiling. It was stark contrast to the 2018 World Cup when Germany didn’t make it past the group stage… tumble weeds and crickets… and business as usual for the cranky Bavarians. It would have been the same this year.

I’m still not converted to soccer, but I’ll be definitely watching the final on December 18, sans flares.

©Steve Williams 2022