Election 2019: Crutching at Straws

“There has never been a more exciting time to be an Australian.” Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull uttered that immortal line what seems like several thousand kissed babies ago. Exciting? No, the Australian federal election on Saturday can’t be euthanised fast enough.

Loins girded until Saturday evening

What a time. What a campaign. So many highlights to choose from. Here are just a few.

*We’ve had two eggings (one broke, one didn’t), which politically, isn’t a new thing. Prime Minister Billy Hughes was egged in 1917. These 2019 incidents cracked the hashtags #EggBoy and #EggGirl, who disappointingly weren’t revealed as the latest Avengers recruits in Endgame. 

*Speaking of which, a “truth avenger” called Captain GetUp appeared in numerous marginal seats. Captain GetUp was dressed in a mock-superhero outfit, emblazoned with the names of the political parties he was protesting against. In this campaign that makes infinite sense. Captain GetUp was created by Advance Australia – a conservative group taking their name from the Australian national anthem that no one knows. He was last seen dry humping a poster of independent candidate Zali Steggall.

*Campaign buses for both major parties have been traipsing across the country. More often than not, they were sans the person whose photo is plastered on the side of the bus. Kind of a Mary-Celeste-drifting-aimlessly-vibe.

*Incumbent Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been rolling out his fair dinkum, bonza, you beaut, daggy dad routine. He’s been wearing caps, skolling beers, hammering nails, playing football, soccer, cricket and Ultimate Fighting Championship – ok, I made that last one up, but if there was a vote in it, he’d be climbing into the octagon. 

*Morrison also engaged in some sheep shearing for the cameras. As one does. Thankfully this stopped before the crutching and dagging. Those two ovine procedures are an apt description for the election campaign.

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*On a slightly serious note, does anyone actually buy this BS “everyman / woman” routine from politicians? “Sharon, I’ve voted Labor all my life, but I just saw the PM shearing a sheep, and he’s got my vote.”

*“Infamous” (that’s one expletive-free adjective) senator Pauline Hanson crocodile-tearing up on prime time TV after the implosion of the latest nutjob One Nation candidate, was absolutely hilarious. Hanson is my least favourite Barry Humphries character.

*A ridiculous number of candidates across various parties have resigned / been disendorsed / sacked / dumped in the recycling bin. Their transgressions have included groping strippers, making anti-homophobic, misogynistic and anti-Islamic comments, describing an opposing candidate as “a good bloke,” linking same-sex marriage and paedophilia, to “jokes” about having sex with a ghost. Yes, really. You can’t make this shit up.

*This week we had a work experience Lady Godiva in Melbourne, topless, with a hair bra, being led on a horse, to protest climate change. A noble quest. Knowing Melbourne’s weather, she would have been hoping for a change.

*The outpouring of emotion following the death of much-loved former Prime Minister Bob Hawke two days before the election has taken media fuel from the campaign. Hawke always had impeccable timing.

Who will shine through this clusterfuck of a campaign and emerge as Prime Minister? Unlike Melbourne’s Lady Godiva, all will be revealed on Saturday night. 

©Steve Williams 2019

Fair dinkum great Australian Inventions

Australia. Where women glow and men plunder or chunder, depending on the verse.

To butcher the Monty Python line, “What has Australia ever done for us?”
Glad you asked. Here are just a handful of some fair dinkum great Australian inventions.


A great Australian invention

In no particular order:

• Kylie Minogue – From spanner-wielding soap opera mechanic to global chanteuse.

• Google Maps – Okay, there were also a couple of Danish blokes in the team, but we’re claiming it.

• Spray-on skin – developed by Professor Fiona Wood in 1999 to treat second-degree burns. Incredible.

• The stump-jump plough. I’m not actually sure what this is, but as officially decreed in the Australian Constitution, it must be included in every list of Australian inventions.

• Ultrasound – so you can see baby Trevor before you meet him.

• Cathy Freeman – rather quick.

• Powered flight – In 1894, Lawrence Hargraves whacked a couple of box kites together
and strapped on a compressed air engine. He wasn’t to know about dickhead seat-recliners.

• AC/DC – I still can’t get used to that new lead singer.

• The fridge – In 1855, James Harrison was granted a patent for an ether vapour-compression refrigeration system to keep his cans of Foster’s Lager* cold. (*nobody in Australia drinks Foster’s)

• Nicole Kidman – I know she was born in Hawaii, but we’re claiming her.

• The electronic pacemaker – Mark Lidwill and Edgar Booth burst out of the shed brandishing
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• Home and Away – introduced “flamin’” to the universe.

• Don Bradman – rather handy with a cricket bat.

• The power board – say g’day the next time you plug something in.

• Feature film – The Story of the Kelly Gang was released in 1906, and it’s all been downhill
to Fifty Shades Darker.

• The Splayd – you know, that spoon / fork / knife cutlery thing. Some heathens call it a “spork”.

• Albert Namatjira – To see the real Australia, immerse yourself in his paintings.

• Black box flight recorder – I hope you will never be featured in one.

• Barry Humphries – Thrust gladiolas on an unsuspecting world stage.

• Cask wine – aka goon, space bag or Chateau Cardboard.

• Wi-Fi – CSIRO researcher John O’Sullivan apparently stumbled across Wi-Fi in 1977 while hunting exploding black holes. As one does.

• Dual flush toilet – To differentiate your number ones from your number twos.

• Hugh Jackman – Talented bastard.

PS, There are a few Australian inventions we are not proud of – Rolf Harris and the Aussie Flu.

©Steve Williams 2018