Tag: Beatles

Taylor Swift

Look What You Made Me Do: How Taylor Swift is rigging Super Bowl and the US election 

Posted on by SW
Taylor Swift just before she released COVID-19 from the lab

It has been revealed that Taylor Swift is not only rigging the Super Bowl so the team of her boyfriend, Travis Kelce will win, but also the US election so Donald Trump won’t.

The rantings of rightwing nutjobs? No. Taylor Swift is an awful human being and the evil mastermind behind some of the world’s worst tragedies. She’s been getting away with it for centuries. Here’s irrefutable proof…

*Taylor Swift invented the atomic bomb, not Oppenheimer.

*Taylor Swift never replaces toilet rolls. 

*Taylor Swift always reclines her seat and takes up both armrests on every flight.

*It was Taylor Swift on the grassy knoll. 

*That person who always closes the lift doors in your face just as you are getting in… Taylor Swift. 

*Taylor Swift has sent every spam email and text message.

*Taylor Swift started the Great Fire of London with a cigarette lighter in 1666.

*Taylor Swift invented the smell of off milk. 

*Taylor Swift always hits “Reply all” to work emails.

*That time someone parked so close to you at the mall so you couldn’t open your door… Taylor Swift.

*Taylor Swift always chews with her mouth open.

*When your laptop crashed before you saved your important work? Taylor Swift did that.

*Taylor Swift never wipes down machines at the gym. 

*When you buy a packet of chips and it’s only half full… Taylor Swift does that at the chip factory.

*Taylor Swift was responsible for the Hindenburg disaster. 

*When you couldn’t get the last seat on the train because a bag was sitting there? It was Taylor Swift’s.

*Your Amazon order that went missing… Taylor Swift stole it. 

*Taylor Swift never does her chores around the home.

*Taylor Swift started the bubonic plague in the 14th century.

*Taylor Swift always kicks sand at people when she is at the beach.

*That boy who farts all the time in class at school… it’s actually Taylor Swift.

*Taylor Swift Invaded Poland to start World War II.

*Taylor Swift always leaves the toilet seat up.

*The mobile phone that went off in the movie yesterday… Taylor Swift. 

*It was actually Taylor Swift who bowled Don Bradman for a duck in his final Test.

*Taylor Swift was responsible for the Chernobyl disaster.

*That tissue in your load of washing that covered everything… Taylor Swift put it there.

*Taylor Swift is Jack the Ripper. 

*Taylor Swift invented the stupid packaging of batteries you can never open properly.

*Taylor Swift released COVID-19 from the lab.

*Taylor Swift doesn’t really like cats.

*Taylor Swift is the Loch Ness Monster. 

*Taylor Swift always reheats stinky fish in the office microwave.

©Steve Williams 2024

If you’re happy and you know it FFS don’t clap

Posted on by SW

What the f*ck is going on?

You’ll be on detention for that

A Sydney school has banned clapping. No I did not make that up. Banning semi-automatic weapons, knuckledusters and even access to Kim Kardashian’s Snapchat I can understand,
but clapping?

In a newsletter sent home / emailed to parents, the good burghers of Elanora Heights Public School advised that clapping has been banned at assemblies “to respect members of our school community who are sensitive to noise.” Hate to break it to you people, but having spent quite a bit of time in school playgrounds in my much younger years, they are somewhat noisy places. Whoever clapped at assemblies anyway?

As an an alternative for the acoustically-affected, the school suggests students “pull excited faces, and wriggle about on the spot” as part of their “silent cheers”. Yes, really.

I think there is something in this, the board of the Sydney Opera House should implement this concept immediately. Picture yourself at the conclusion of a wonderful performance of La Bohème. Instead of the usual thunderous ovation, the audience wriggle about and pull excited faces.
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That reminds me of the John Lennon line as the Beatles played at a Royal Command Performance, “The people in the cheaper seats, clap your hands… and the rest of you, if you’d just rattle your jewellery.” Today, somebody with a jewellery phobia would complain.

The Olympic Games in Rio could take this wriggling about etc onboard as well. It might take people’s minds off the Zika virus.

This is not the first time that clapping has been kiboshed. Attendees at a UK student feminist conference last year were asked to stop clapping “but do feminist jazz hands” as “clapping triggers anxiety”. I suppose it does if you don’t receive any. I have no idea how “feminist jazz hands” differ from the garden-variety type.

It is all just so ridiculous. These are more examples of victories for the no-fun, no-offence, no-winners, cotton-wool-encasing, high-vis-wearing nanny-state-nannas.

I do however agree that some sounds should be banned… bastard leaf blowers, recorders, not to mention the music of Kanye West.

©Steve Williams 2016