I am devastated. I just came to the realisation that I will never write for the venerable Daily Mail.
I admit it. I am simply not good enough. I don’t have the necessary journalistic talent to appear
in those hallowed pages. I am not worthy. I will never be breast in show.
As a community service for aspiring Daily Mail journalists from someone who has done a few laps of the media block, I offer an informal style guide.
I would strongly suggest you casually drop any or all of the following into your interview. You will either be instantly hired, slapped in the face, or both.
In no particular order:
- “Ample assets” – this is used to describe the, er, chest region of women.
Usually preceded by the words “displaying” or “showcasing”.
- “Ample cleavage” – see above. The good people at the Daily Mail appear to have somewhat of a fascination with breasts. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, though this obviously disregards the achievements of the owners of said breasts. In most Daily Mail stories, these achievements consist of being an ex-cast member of Geordie Shore or a Kardashian.
- “Trim pins” – what, is this 1953? Who the hell describes “legs” as “pins”?
I digress, this is usually preceded by “flaunts”.
- “Pert derrière” – note: “pert” is the only adjective to be used. Even if it is not.
- “Braless” – this is the Holy Grail for any Daily Mail journo or picture editor.
High fives all around if it is a Kardashian “drawing attention to her (or his) cleavage”.
Usually preceded by “Peek-a-boob!” Even elephants aren’t safe.
- “Sideboob” – also gold – as in “Kate Hudson flashes sideboob in a floaty maxidress as she channels hippie vibes for a day off in Cannes.” No, I didn’t make that up.
- “Sheer” – always preceded by “daring”.
Other phrases that should be worked into a story include “underwear free”, “nude selfie”,
“wardrobe malfunction” (always “awkward”), “plunging gown” (extra brownie points if it has
a “soaring split”), “blatantly exhibited her choice to forego underwear” and who could forget
the rather painful adjectives “eye-popping” and “thigh-scraping”.
“Skimpy sports bra and hot pants” is compulsory for that fortuitous moment when a Z grade celeb just happens to be working out her ample cleavage and pert derrière in a park, and there just happens to be a photographer present.
©Steve Williams 2017