COVID-19… taking the piss

Now, where was I?

What a time. What an absolute clusterfuck.

Betsy enjoyed her lip-smacking Ivermectin

With slightly dodgy lungs, I’ve been desperately trying to avoid attracting the attention of the COVID-19 lurgy. So far so good… and thankfully now fully vaccinated, I’m still alert but not alarmed. 

Though sadly, like the rest of us, I haven’t been able to avoid nutjob anti-vaxxers, rabid anti-mask wearers and the heart-worming stories of people who think it’s a brilliant idea to combat COVID-19 by overdosing on the anti-parasitic agent Ivermectin, commonly used to treat animals… usually very large ones such as cows and horses.

You have to wonder who was the first person to try Ivermectin? “You know what Trevor? You know how Ivermectin cleared up Betsy’s heartworm, I reckon it’ll be good for my pesky COVID-19 cough, so I’m gonna whiz up an Ivermectin milkshake.” 

Yes, Ivermectin is just the latest in seriously fucked up COVID-19 “treatments” and “cures”. 

viagra prescription online One from the problems is on male sexual dysfunction. What should be paid attention to is canadian sildenafil go to this link that the emotional tension of men will always continue and it won’t even feel like a routine exercise. Not only Kamagra Oral jelly, these companies supply Indian browse now now levitra 10 mg that are available to the offshore customers also. Such practices open up arteries and online viagra helps eradicating toxins from body system.

There’s been anti-static clothing, “nano-silver” toothpaste, necklaces to ward off COVID-19 (sans vampire-warding off garlic I assume), a German vaccine beer, an anti-corona mattress, virus-killing deodorant, even activewear brand Lorna Jane claimed its boffins had come up with “LJ Shield Activewear” sprayed with “groundbreaking technology” that could protect wearers against “viruses including COVID-19”. Spoiler alert: It couldn’t and the company was whacked $5 million by the Australian Federal Court. 

Who could forget the orange former US president suggesting disinfectant and ultraviolet light could be handy protection against COVID-19? That seems like several lifetimes ago. I wonder what he would make of a wellness influencer touting the benefits of 30 seconds of sun on your butthole. The mental image of a nude Trump, legs akimbo, saluting the sun is not to anyone’s benefit.

But wait, there’s more. An Indian politician suggested drinking cow urine, unfortunately he wasn’t taking the piss. Then there was Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko who apparently suggested driving a tractor and drinking alcohol will prevent COVID-19, though I’m not sure if he meant simultaneously.

Unfortunately, when you combine ignorance, desperation and in a lot of cases rampant stupidity and throw in the viral impact of misinformation from seriously fucked up Facebook groups, bizarre YouTube videos and conspiracy theorists on radio and TV screaming at gullible people, you get a deadly cocktail.   

I’ll stick to the science, thanks.

Though in the words of John Denver, sunshine on my butthole may make me happy.

©Steve Williams 2021

Spa Anxiety – When Sandalwood Attacks

My spa anxiety kicked in while filling in the form — I was handed a cup of hibiscus unicorn tears tea or something. I shouldn’t drink it because I’ll have to sprint to the toilet halfway through.

I felt nothing like this after my spa treatment

Then the change room. What do I need to take off? Everything? Just for a back massage?
So why are those useless disposable undies there? Am I supposed to wear them?
If yes, which way do they go? And why are they so see-through?

Which way does the robe go on?
Remember that time it had to go on backwards Hannibal Lecter style?

Do I have to wear these thongs? (Australian footwear usage)
Who wore them before? What if they had tinea / leprosy / the Black Death?

Ok, so far so good, I’m face down with my head poking through that furry toilet seat thing.

I’m only having a back massage, so why have my undies been simultaneously rolled down and aside to give me a pseudo Sumo / Bondi lifesaver style wedgie?

What if the therapist cracks something and I now have the communication skills of an artichoke?

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Why are they pressing so hard on my kidneys?
Feels like they’re going to burst through my scrotum.

Why am I oiled up like the last meal Elvis Presley ate?

What are you doing near my arse?

“How is the pressure?” I want to scream “You’re f*cking killing me!”, but don’t want to sound weak.

It’s over. “Yes that was wonderful, thanks.” I lied.

A massage in a spa is like a physiotherapy session at a demented dentist — accompanied by mystical rainforest music.

Great. Now I have post spa anxiety stress disorder.

Think I need a massage…

©Steve Williams 2015