Emoji all the people*

It seems like we have gone full circle.

Man (and woman) first started communicating in a written form over 30,000 ago with cave paintings, depicting animals and rudimentary images of humans. Graffiti was born.

Fast-forward to around 5000 BC and Egyptian and Chinese cultures communicated (amongst themselves) with pictograms and ideograms that represented an object, activity or concept.
These led to Egyptian hieroglyphics and Chinese characters. So far, so good. Then around 3200 BC, the good burghers of Mesopotamia thought it wouldn’t be a stupid idea to start writing words, and the rest as they say, is history.

So how do we communicate in 2016? Emojis, that’s how. I read an article the other day that “emoji” is the world’s fastest growing language. <face screaming in fear emoji>

Blame one Shigetaka Kurita. The unassuming Japanese chap produced 176 designs for Japanese mobile phones in 1999. There are now over 1,800 emojis. Possibly 1,790 too many.

From cave paintings to hieroglyphics to emoji — maybe we should have just left out the middle bit, making the world’s greatest writers redundant. In the annals of literary history, we could have just leafed past the work of Homer, Shakespeare, Dickens, Tolstoy, Wilde, Austen, Orwell, Hemmingway, Jackie Collins… ok, maybe not her.

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The recent breathless launch of the iPhone 7 included new emojis, “women playing sport”, “woman in a turban”, the gun emoji has apparently become a water pistol, there’s now a “man getting a haircut”, and a “man wearing bunny ears”. As one does, though not simultaneously. There is now basically every type of parent / child / gender / family emoji you can poke a stick at. I assume there is still a stick emoji for the iPhone 7. I’d personally prefer a headphone jack emoji.

Being an iPhone person, I assume other smartphones have their own emoji, including an explosion emoji for a certain Samsung smartphone. <smiley, winking face, poking out tongue emoji>

We survived the rise of mobile phone text-speak, which wasn’t all that GR8, you often had no idea what the hell other person meant. I’d normally just ring them up and get them to explain it. Which kind of defeated the purpose.

It will be interesting to see where all this emoji business ends up. I suppose one day we will be reading online newspapers and magazines written in emoji form, though I suggest that will be when we are in our autonomous flying cars eating our food tablets.

*Apologies to John Lennon for that atrocious headline.

©Steve Williams 2016

*This piece also appeared in The Huffington Post AustraliaEmoji All The People

Or how I learned to love the bendy phone

So I see the boffins at Samsung have burst out of the shed brandishing a bendy phone.

About bloody time too. What took them so long?

Amazing what you can do with the Samsung bendy phone

Seriously, the world has been crying out for a bendy phone, ever since um… ah… you know….

Sadly, it is not called the “Bendy Phone” — that name would not have caused too much stirring in the trouser department of the South Korean Samsung marketing types. No, it has been christened the “Galaxy Round”. As the young people say… “meh”.

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Why do you need your mobile phone to bend anyway? It’s not overly crucial. I can surf the interwebs, send emails, listen to music, take photos, shoot videos, write articles, talk to and hear people, probably even cook a nice beef ragout on my iPhone. The ability to bend or not hasn’t really been a deal-breaker for me. I admire the technology that was developed to enable a phone to bend, but I still don’t get it…  what’s the point, apart from being an extremely ingenious gimmick that will no doubt sell several billionty models?

That may be a bit harsh. Actually, I can think of    (tumbleweeds)    (crickets)    absolutely no reason why I would want a bendy phone. Though, being the media whore that I am, I’m sure if the good burghers of Samsung hand-delivered one to the randomswill corporate humpy, I would shout its praises from more than just rooftops.

Of course you need a bendy phone (sorry, Samsung Galaxy Round)! What are you, freakin’ stupid? You can roll it up and play ping pong with it, transform it into fascinating origami arrangements, shape it into a flavoursome gnocchi, paint it green and introduce him to his equine friend…

©Steve Williams 2013