Dear Sir Richard Branson, What have you done? Seriously, what the hell have you done?
I admire your stunning business acumen, your ballooning skills, your outrageous PR stunts, I’ve bought many Virgin records over the years – in fact I still have an original vinyl copy of Never Mind The Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols. Love your work.
However, what’s this about allowing mobile phone calls on Virgin Atlantic flights? Tell me you’re taking the piss.
Cramming hundreds of people into a flying metal tube for endless hours is fraught with social problems as it is – screaming brat children kicking the back of your seat, rabid seat recliners, dickheads cramming everything they own in the overhead storage cabin so there’s no room for your stuff, über-backpack wielding morons dislocating shoulders as they bump their way up the aisle, farting businessmen, the list is endless.
Now you want to add annoying expletives-making phone calls? I beseech thee, please reconsider.
“I’m on the plane… yeah, I’m on the plane! Hang on, I’ll look out the window, yeah, no… I think we’re flying over eastern Siberia. Is Aaahliya there? Hello sweetheart, it’s daddy. Yeah, I’m on the plane…”.
Or: “We need to have some face-time on the core competency, but if we buy-in and open the kimono and get some leverage, I think it will be scalable…”.
You can only imagine the riveting conversations you’ll have to endure. You will feel like ripping your ears off, and ramming down their throat to muffle the noise.
Sir Richard, there is a reason the other airlines put the kybosh on this insanity. No one wants to sit next to someone using a mobile phone. Sure I don’t have to fly your airline, but if you go ahead with this madness, the others might reconsider, and then life will end as we know it.
Might I suggest if this does happen, your flight attendants hand out baseball bats and parachutes.
Words ©Steve Williams 2012
*To read this in its original locale (with bonus amusing comments) Punch on at…