Tag: taking the piss

A love letter to Sydney…

Posted on by SW

So. I’ve moved back to Sydney after living overseas since way back in 2005.

Looks like someone’s god is about to speak

Apart from family and friends, in no particularly order, here are a few things I’ve missed in almost 19 years living away… my Sydney love letter.

*Kookaburras… with the wombat, the kookaburra is a rather underrated Australian icon compared to the kangaroo and koala, but we kind of like it that way.

*The sky… the Sydney/Australian sky is absolutely breathtaking. That blue…

*The Harbour Bridge… although I’ve driven/trained/walked over the Bridge a gazillion times, it always feels like the first time. I often think of my grandmother who walked across the Bridge the day it opened on Saturday March 19, 1932, wearing an outfit she had specially made for the occasion. She even took her shoes off and carried them as her feet were hurting. Unheard of in 1932!

*Wendy Whiteley’s Secret Garden… but shhhhhh… don’t tell anyone.

*Sandstone… the look and texture. The “Sandstone Precinct” on Bridge St featuring the Lands and Education Department Buildings is one of my favourite parts of the city. The former Education Department building has been transformed into the stunning Capella Sydney hotel. 

*The Australian humour… irony, sarcasm… taking the piss. Love it.

*The Royal Botanic Garden Sydney… Sydney’s magnificent backyard. Though it could do with losing the word “Royal”.

*Rainbow Lorikeets… those random, screeching flashes of colour.

*The beaches… all of them… but I’m looking at you, Balmoral, Whale and Palm. Though I don’t love Balmoral when you hire a car on a scorching summer Saturday, get there at 7.45am, spend 40 minutes trying to find a parking with no luck. Peak Sydney.

*Food, glorious food. Sydney’s dining scene is incredible… from a succulent Chinese meal to any cuisine you can think of.

*The Sydney Cricket Ground… though I do miss the old scoreboard.

*Sydney ferries… the best way to travel. Being on a (Manly) ferry as it cuts its way to Circular Quay, or anywhere in Sydney Harbour is always a wonderful experience. But I do miss the old-school ferries.

*The Opera House… those pristine, sparkling white sails mask the controversy that marred the design and construction. It really is incredible… as are the performances I’ve seen inside.

*Seafood… a veritable smorgasbord. Just don’t come the raw prawn, er, mate.

*Australian wine… I’m rather un-Australian in that I’m not a beer drinker. It’s great living here and not having to pay a billionty dollars for brilliant Australian wine.

*The Elizabeth Street entrance to St. James station… the famed Château Tanunda neon sign has been there since 1926.

*Friendliness… going for an early morning walk and people nodding, saying “Morning”. You miss that.

*Sydney Harbour… absolutely every single thing about it.

*Hyde Park… smack bang in the CBD… the fig tree-lined avenues, the spectacular, mythical Archibald Fountain featuring Apollo, Diana and his mates.

*Taronga Zoo… definitely a zoo with a view.

*The kulcha… art galleries, theatres (special mention to the magnificent State Theatre and the vertigo-inducing Theatre Royal), museums, music venues… etc, etc.

As that old song by Tommy Leonetti goes, “My warm city of Sydney / I’ve never been away.”

©Steve Williams 2023

COVID-19… taking the piss

Posted on by SW

Now, where was I?

What a time. What an absolute clusterfuck.

Betsy enjoyed her lip-smacking Ivermectin

With slightly dodgy lungs, I’ve been desperately trying to avoid attracting the attention of the COVID-19 lurgy. So far so good… and thankfully now fully vaccinated, I’m still alert but not alarmed. 

Though sadly, like the rest of us, I haven’t been able to avoid nutjob anti-vaxxers, rabid anti-mask wearers and the heart-worming stories of people who think it’s a brilliant idea to combat COVID-19 by overdosing on the anti-parasitic agent Ivermectin, commonly used to treat animals… usually very large ones such as cows and horses.

You have to wonder who was the first person to try Ivermectin? “You know what Trevor? You know how Ivermectin cleared up Betsy’s heartworm, I reckon it’ll be good for my pesky COVID-19 cough, so I’m gonna whiz up an Ivermectin milkshake.” 

Yes, Ivermectin is just the latest in seriously fucked up COVID-19 “treatments” and “cures”. 

viagra prescription online One from the problems is on male sexual dysfunction. What should be paid attention to is canadian sildenafil go to this link that the emotional tension of men will always continue and it won’t even feel like a routine exercise. Not only Kamagra Oral jelly, these companies supply Indian browse now now levitra 10 mg that are available to the offshore customers also. Such practices open up arteries and online viagra helps eradicating toxins from body system.

There’s been anti-static clothing, “nano-silver” toothpaste, necklaces to ward off COVID-19 (sans vampire-warding off garlic I assume), a German vaccine beer, an anti-corona mattress, virus-killing deodorant, even activewear brand Lorna Jane claimed its boffins had come up with “LJ Shield Activewear” sprayed with “groundbreaking technology” that could protect wearers against “viruses including COVID-19”. Spoiler alert: It couldn’t and the company was whacked $5 million by the Australian Federal Court. 

Who could forget the orange former US president suggesting disinfectant and ultraviolet light could be handy protection against COVID-19? That seems like several lifetimes ago. I wonder what he would make of a wellness influencer touting the benefits of 30 seconds of sun on your butthole. The mental image of a nude Trump, legs akimbo, saluting the sun is not to anyone’s benefit.

But wait, there’s more. An Indian politician suggested drinking cow urine, unfortunately he wasn’t taking the piss. Then there was Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko who apparently suggested driving a tractor and drinking alcohol will prevent COVID-19, though I’m not sure if he meant simultaneously.

Unfortunately, when you combine ignorance, desperation and in a lot of cases rampant stupidity and throw in the viral impact of misinformation from seriously fucked up Facebook groups, bizarre YouTube videos and conspiracy theorists on radio and TV screaming at gullible people, you get a deadly cocktail.   

I’ll stick to the science, thanks.

Though in the words of John Denver, sunshine on my butthole may make me happy.

©Steve Williams 2021

Australian soccer needs a drama queen

Posted on by SW

So Australia is out of the World Cup. Again.

We didn’t make it beyond the Group Stage, by forgetting the premise of the game – get the ball into the net – especially against that football superpower Peru.

Right now, the clipboard-wielding boffins at Football Federation Australia are locked in crisis-think tank-workshop-post mortems, ruminating where our campaign went wrong,
and hopefully looking down the back of the lounge for a striker.

Australia’s new soccer coach

As Australia embarks on the sandblasted “Road To Qatar”, I have the solution, and it has nothing to do with kicking said ball. It’s acting.

Stay with me. Some of the performances we have seen in the World Cup have been brilliant. Brazilian superstar Neymar took a pathetic award-winning dive and the piss, falling to the pitch mortally wounded, like he’d just had a Brazilian.

See, this is where Australia falls down. Or not. We need to get onboard this diving caper. It’s essential.

This is because alcohol is known to viagra pill for sale have a cure to their problem. Many pharmaceutical companies came up with the generic version and its efficacy. viagra best http://robertrobb.com/2017/08/ The effects of this pill last for up to 36 hours. see that cheapest tadalafil In other words, the potent ingredient allows men to delay the ejaculation, achieve stronger erection and last longer in bed and in acompetition to perform well due to viagra usa pharmacy their low quality of the product, clinically approved and lasts up to 4 to 5 hours. Forget combing the world (Europe) for our next unpronounceable coach to not take us past the Group Stage in 2022, we need actors in charge. Bloody good actors. Luckily, Australia has produced some of the finest in the world.

I call for Cate Blanchett to be annointed as Socceroos coach.

This is inspired. Imagine what the Academy Award / Golden Globe / BAFTA / etc, etc-winner could do to make Australia competitive on soccer’s greatest stage. The subtle nuances of mock-agony… the unworldly talent of clutching your face, screaming like you have just been shot, when you only received a mere fairytap on your knee. Penalty. Thanks Cate.

There’s been talk of not enough “mongrel” in the Australian team… hire Alf Stewart from Home and Away as Assistant Coach. He’d flamin’ sort ’em out, quick smart. Geoffrey Rush could chime in with brilliant character acting expertise, very handy when convincing the ref you have been critically injured by a non-existent elbow. Penalty.

Don’t you see? We would beat those dive-and-piss-taking-thespians from Europe and South America at their own game.

This is the future of Australian soccer. Let’s create our own Theatre of Dreams.
“Hello, Cate…”

©Steve Williams 2018

Smokers’ rights? I call bullshit

Posted on by SW

Two words I always find amusing when used in the same sentence are “smokers” and “rights”.
It’s dead simple, they don’t have any.

Shazza enjoys a post-rant smoke

I remember a hilarious comment in response to a story about the NSW government in Australia banning smoking in commercial dining areas. I can’t recall the author’s name, so let’s call her “Shazza”.

Her erudite contribution was: “Non-smokers have all the inside space…”. What, in the world?
So us non-smokers should just shut up and never leave the lounge room? Why should smokers have territorial rights to a restaurant terrace with a panoramic sea view or even an outside table near a random pot plant? At least Shazza did suggest allocating a separate outdoor seating, eating and drinking area. They already have — it’s called your home.

Unfortunately, outdoor smoking areas have one major design flaw — smoke by nature is fairly unpredictable. I recall seeing a large yellow rectangle painted on the ground in front of a city office building complete with the words “Smoking Area”. I like to think they were taking the piss.

Just yesterday my wife and I wanted to enjoy lunch in a rather pleasant outdoor area of a cafe. Once we heard the click of a cigarette lighter we knew our enjoyment would be zero, so we left. Why should we have to? I wanted to breathe the cool garden air, not secondhand toxins from the pits of tar-filled lungs.

Consume this fruit cheap levitra http://respitecaresa.org/event/15th-annual-celebration-love-children/handprint-flowers/ continuously for three months to get optimum results in bed. Trichomonal vaginitis: the patient’s leukorrhea is white or hyaline without fishy http://respitecaresa.org/parents-corner/registration-packet-10-16/ viagra discount sales smell. Supplements Supplements should be taken with care when struggling with some of the below: Hypotension or even high blood pressure, Heart cialis online store failing, Coronary artery disease, Deformity of your male organ, Sickle-cell anemia, Multiple myeloma, or leukemia; a bleeding disorder such as hemophilia; a stomach ulcer; retinitis pigmentosa (an inherited condition of the prostate gland (prostatosis) that happens when the prostate becomes swollen by excess fluid. Verdenafil citrate is also a kind of obstacle, not cialis sildenafil http://respitecaresa.org/event/page/3/ a disease. I’m unaware of any studies linking smoking to spelling and a morbid fear of apostrophes,
but another reader (“Trevor”) who commented on the same story would make a worthy study:
“This is rediculous arent smokers banned from enough places, but drinking alcahol and getting blind drunk is totally acceptable? If you dont like it dont stand near us…”. Trev may have imbibed the odd vat of beer before hitting return.

Love the old “dont stand near us”, with an “alcahol” comparison chestnut being fired up.
At least “alcaholics” don’t have the potential to give me cancer. Vomit yes, fruity aromas, possibly violent assault and / or inappropriate displays of unwanted affection and / or slurred, off-key renditions of an Elvis classic, but not a potentially terminal illness.

Of course smokers have rights — in their own house or car or similar totally enclosed box
where I can’t smell it or them.

I realise it is a potentially tragic addiction for a lot of people,
but(t) there is absolutely no way it is a “right”. That is just a smokescreen.

©Steve Williams 2014