Category: Dear people of the world

Phones on the throne really piss me off

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the world. I am puzzled by many things, but fairly high on the list is why people make/take phone calls while in/on the toilet.

Mr Bathroom Banana is an excellent “roll model”

Granted it’s probably not the worst sound you could hear emanating from a toilet cubicle, but seriously, why? Do you feel so important sitting on “the throne” that you need to take that call right then and there? Can’t you call them back? If you are that “busy” that you need to be on a toilet teleconference, you have major time management issues. I realise the mobile phone has now become essential for society to function, but surely bodily functions would have slightly more importance.

Really, how vital is that phone call? Unless you’re on speakerphone to an operating theatre directing how to perform emergency neurosurgery or the control tower has patched you in to talk a heroic passenger through landing an A380, it can wait.

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A hang-up? Absolutely.

©Steve Williams 2012

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

Dear people of the world: aquatic bread ban

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the world. This might come as a slight shock, but the natural diet of animals that live in ponds and lakes in parks doesn’t consist of bread. I know, me too.

I realise it’s rather amusing and / or cute to watch fish, ducks, swans, turtles, etcetera swim over as you reach into the bag containing your loaf of processed-to-buggery white bread, but could you not?

Surprisingly, these animals have survived for a very large number with lots of zeros without dining on bread offerings. But, you may argue what about those turtles that ate pizza? Yes, good point, but they are comic book characters and therefore not real.

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If you want to commit carbocide by overdosing on the endless breadbasket at your favourite buffet restaurant, knock yourself out, that’s your choice, but the average pond-dwelling turtle doesn’t have one — so it would be really great if you could stop chucking bits of bread at him / her and our other watery friends.

Thank you.

©Steve Williams 2012