I apologise for lawyer’s rape victim comments

I’ve never met Keith Jefferies.

Though I wouldn’t mind meeting the New Zealand lawyer to try and understand him.

In defence of a man charged with raping a twenty year old woman, Jefferies reportedly told the jury that if the victim didn’t want sex, “All she would have had to do was to close her legs . . . it’s as simple as that.”

No Keith, with the utmost respect, I suggest it’s not that simple.

He then asked the jury “why didn’t she do that?”

Jefferies said his comments were used in defence of his client, who claimed that the sex was consensual and not his personal view. His client was subsequently convicted. He also said that the Crown and the judge didn’t complain about them.

That might be the case, and even taking into account the heat of the battle and all that, but where the hell do you even start getting your head around such comments?

As a man, I personally find it so unbelievably wrong to even think, let alone vaguely suggest that a woman can simply close her legs to avoid having sex, or in this case, avoid being assaulted.
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The timing of these remarks would never have been good, but especially not in light of the on-going “Roast Busters” scandal — also in New Zealand — where a group of young men allegedly bragged on social media about their sexual encounters with underage girls who were allegedly stupefied by alcohol.

There has been a white-hot blaze of outrage about this and recent horrific attacks in India.

Quite rightly. The fact that the words “rape culture” are now in common usage is quite terrifying.

Speaking of words, thankfully I have never been the victim of rape; I can’t even vaguely begin to imagine what one would endure.

Words that instantly conjure in my mind to describe “rape” include “power”, “force”, “degradation”, “violence”, “humiliation” and “domination” — and that’s off the top of my head — “closing your legs” isn’t among them.

On behalf of the male gender, I apologise for the comments of that lawyer.

©Steve Williams 2013

Not the very worst of election advertising #274

If you live in Australia, you would know there is a federal election on Saturday. If you don’t, you’re a moron and don’t deserve to exercise your democratic right, or left.

One of my favourite bits about the election is the advertising blackout on all electronic media, when the good people of the wide-brown land are finally spared the onslaught of moving images of earnest politicians begging for your vote, while simultaneously dumping a bucket of shit on their opponent/s.

In celebration of, or to mourn the advertising blackout (depending on your masochism pain threshold), here is a clichéd veritable smörgåsbord of random election commercials.

If only all election ads were as good as this one…

I don’t recall Kevin or Tony offering to make me angel hair pasta.

At least they haven’t attempted comedy — I’m still trying to decide if this one is…

Even the #huckchuckfacts hashtag is lame.

Never mind, here’s a patriotic, stirring number from Ukraine…

I like the old baba having a sneaky shot of rocket fuel. You would need it to be an extra in a political commercial.

Speaking of costumes…

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How about special effects?

I realise this was for a school board election, but it’s brilliant. I hope Christopher didn’t have his arse sued off by George Lucas.

The special effects budget for this next one was about $1.26.

Demon sheep! Run! Run for your lives!

Ok, sheep aren’t overtly sexual *insert hackneyed New Zealand line here* but Herman gushes sex appeal…

I hope that’s real. Vladimir has gone the sexy root route as well…

You would vote early and often. Though the piece of resistance is from the Australian Sex Party. Yep, we’re all f*cked…

words ©Steve Williams 2013

It beggars belief

I’ve seen him before. Quite a few times actually.

Yesterday, just like every other time, I did exactly the same thing — I looked everywhere but in his eyes. Approaching him, I looked at the non-existent email on my phone, my watch, anything — and slightly quickened my gait until he’d disappeared from my peripheral vision. To get away.

He was crouched, sort-of, on the footpath. With desperately deformed and totally useless limbs, he is basically a head on an inept body, and was gripping what used to be a Starbucks cup in what used to be his teeth for people to put coins into.

I didn’t give him any money and I felt like a total prick.

A furry little beggar sadly not the subject of this story

I went back later to find him, but he wasn’t there. Now I keep thinking about him. I hope he’s ok — as ok as he can be (without sounding like a condescending arsehole).

Beggars. In my part of the world it is sadly quite a popular pastime.

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Then there’s a man who prostrates himself on the ground near the exit to a train station. Definitely not a religious experience. He’d probably prefer to sit, but legs normally come in handy for that.

I’ve been to India a few times and tragic doesn’t come close, women and men knocking on your car window holding up badly deformed babies. Your heart breaks, but you take the advice you’ve been told not to give them anything, as they don’t benefit. I suppose that’s true.

You still feel like a total prick.

Then you go to some parts of Europe and encounter “professional” beggars who will try and scam and / or pickpocket you. These people give the real beggars a bad name, so it’s probably why you get suspicious of anyone on the street that doesn’t look “right”. As bad as that sounds. And it sounds really bad.

I’ve gotta find Mr. Starbucks.

©Steve Williams 2013

Thanks Amanda, but no thanks

Yeah, no, seriously Amanda, (can I call you Mandy?) we really appreciate you going into bat for us — especially against the Poms — but us blokes are good.

We’ve got it, we’re across it. We’ve got it firmly in hand.

In case you missed it, the former Howard government minister Amanda Vanstone is taking up the good fight for the honour of Australian manhood against those bastards of Fleet Street.

Amanda models the fair dinkum Aussie bloke (photo via news.com.au)

Vanstone suggests that the scurrilous British press have been besmirching the fine reputation of the Antipodean male, “I am furious. It really is atrocious that they are making out Australia as a colony, a hick country, a back water where men guzzle beer all day and are rude about women,” she says.

She continues, “they are going on this misogynist thing as if that was the reason why she (Julia Gillard) was ousted.”

Hang on Amanda, so you think they think we’re all Foster’s-spewing extras from The Adventures of Barry McKenzie circa 1972 and anyone sans vagina is responsible for the death of democracy and the resurrection of Kevin Rudd?

Ok, so I drew a slightly long bow, but we really don’t need your help Amanda, and speaking on behalf of all Aussie blokedom, we’re a bit embarrassed by the thought you found it necessary to jump on a plane to London to “set the record straight” for the hounds of Fleet Street “perpetuating the myth”.

Don’t you see? That’s just going to make it worse.

It’s like your mum coming down to the oval after school when some kid had challenged you to a fight ‘cause you wouldn’t give him your Tommy Raudonikis or Kevin Sheedy footy card.

With Amanda putting her nose to the vanstone to recover our sullied reputation in the UK, can you see how confusing it is to be an Aussie of the male persuasion on July 8, 2013?

Everywhere you turn, you have to decipher more mixed messages and cryptic symbols than Tom Hanks in a Dan Brown film. Is it now OK to wear a blue tie? Or will I be eviscerated by malevolent stares from the Q&A faithful? Do you hold the door open to let a woman go through first? If so, will she think you’re a chauvinist?

Now “chauvinist” – that’s a word that hasn’t had a run lately. It’s been replaced by “misogyny” which only up until this year conjured in my mind the sultry visage of the hot French student teacher I had in year 11.

You look for bloke-ish role models to steer your path — you’ve got David Beckham, the poster boy for metrosexuality, until he opens his mouth, and then there’s Warnie — but what about his WTF come-to-sex selfie the other week? I would assume this would definitely be the cold spoon antidote to anything that old Golden Balls puts on the (bedside) table.

All of this is Hugh Jackman’s fault. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, he makes all us other Aussie blokes feel totally worthless and inadequate, the bastard. I stand by my comments Madam Speaker.

This being confused business is ok — as long as you don’t totally f*ck it up.
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Radio 2UE in Sydney did just that on Friday with an appalling ad in the Sydney Morning Herald for their sports program. Really? “let her go shopping?” A stupid stunt.

You would have thought 2UE would have had more sense than going for a cheap shot like this, considering the dramas its mortal enemy 2GB has been embroiled in — think Alan Jones discussing chaff bags and how Julia Gillard’s father died of shame and so on. If 2UE want to continue promoting the station with lumbering dinosaur views like that, maybe it should change the frequency from “954″ to “1954″.

Even as I write this, a firestorm has erupted over the normally genteel strawberry fields of Wimbledon. Following Marion Bartoli’s win in the Women’s Singles Final, a BBC radio commentator suggested that it was always going to be tougher for her as she was “never going to be a looker”.
Again, rampant stupidity.

Though this is where that confusion rears itself like a pissed off scorpion — are the comments about Bartoli any worse than The Sun newspaper running an article about tennis player Jerzy Janowicz with the headline “Lankenstein” and photoshopping green skin and bolts on him? I don’t think The Sun is suggesting Jerzy is an avid Mary Shelley reader. Discuss.

So I’ve gone off on the occasional tangent here, but in reality as a man (and I use that only in the sense of gender) you’ve gotta be comfortable in your own skin — whether that’s regularly moisturised, plucked, and exfoliated, or merely sees a sporadic swipe of Coles Smart Buy soap every third day.

Speaking of Wimbledon and moisturiser, there was a hilarious back-and-forth exchange in the comments of Wendy Harmer’s post on The Hoopla website  Men. The New Vanity Units. It was a far more entertaining than anything we saw on Centre Court over the past two weeks.
You need to read them — Mick and Dave traded screaming crosscourt forehands, lobs and sneaky dropshots, all while inserting the delightful terms “letting fluffy off the chain”, “man cards” and “wank territory” into the vernacular.

So we get it, us blokes are works in progress, we’re doing our best, we’re across it, we fail as often as we succeed — but we stand together — even with our stupid imperfections like saying “gotta zip” and “fair suck of the sauce bottle” (though only one bloke in the universe says that).

It may, or may not surprise you that we understand, we actually listen, talk about and process all this stuff.

We live in times far removed from when Raudonikis and Sheeds were running around windswept suburban footy grounds. We know, respect and simply couldn’t give a flying whatever that the PM’s wife earns more than he does. We’re aware that Tony Abbott lives in a house awash with oestregen.

It’s all good.

The last bloody thing we want or need, is Aunty Amanda trying to help, by turning up at the front office at school brandishing our forgotten lunch, or stomping down to that oval in an attempt to defend us.

Like I say, we’ve got it all, firmly, in hand.

©Steve Williams 2013

*Originally published (with bonus amusing comments) here: thehoopla.com.au/thanks-thanks-amanda/