Category: Rant

WTF is a phablet? When stupid words attack

Posted on by SW

Yes. I do know that a “phablet” is a frankensteined hybrid of a phone and a tablet, but I am assuming whoever came up with that name had obviously taken a handful of them.

A stupid word, and they are everywhere — I was reading about a “wriblet” today — with the advent of wearable technology, a wrist-bound tablet will become a thing — Dick Tracy style.
That name definitely puts the dick in it.

Try wearing that on your wrist, geekboy

It is not just new technology that was on the receiving end of clunky nomenclature, take shoelaces — that metal bit on the end is called an “aglet”. You’re welcome.
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An affliction. Stupid words are like a rather nasty rash — they are spreading and are extremely painful — one can only hope they’ll scab over and drop off. Here a few off the top of my head: “cronut”, “crowdsourced”, “bromance”, “thought leader” and anything with the prefix “man” i.e. “manscaping”, “mancave”, “manorexia” and “manflu”. Stupid.

Social media has a hell of a lot to answer for. I’m an avid 140 character writer on Twitter (@randomswill), but can’t bring myself to use the word “tweet”. I may have inadvertently used “twitterverse”, but never again. I can guarantee I have never travelled to the dark edges of the “twittersphere”.

“Selfie” is also a very stupid word — I always assumed it had something to do with masturbation, which in a sense it is. Sadly, you can’t escape the scourge of the selfie, it was even a political tool much loved by a not so much-loved former Australian prime minister — see previous sentence.

©Steve Williams 2014

Foodporn — It’s already been shot, just eat it

Posted on by SW

When Frenchman Joseph Nicéphore Niépce shot the world’s first photograph in 1826, it was of the view out of his window, thankfully not of his coq au vin.

A restaurateur’s deterrent against food photography

Speaking of such meaty subjects, I’d like to discuss foodporn — amateur photographers recording their food for posterity instead of merely eating it. Today, if your phone isn’t equipped with a camera, you’re using iTroglodyte. That means basically everyone is a photographer — and this isn’t a good thing, especially when you’re trying to eat.

Amateur restaurant food photographers should be skewered, basted and lightly roasted. Instagram and Twitter have a lot to answer for. Why do you need to photograph your food before you eat it? Who are you going to show these badly composed, badly shot and badly shit photos to? Is the plan to bore your Facebook friends into a coma?

It is always a dining delight when the couple at the next table is photographing their fettuccine or shooting their shark fin soup. This is often undertaken with a ginormous SLR, emitting strobe flashes that illuminates the food and everyone in the vicinity like an atomic bomb has just detonated. If I wanted to book a table for two in an epileptic-fit-inducing lighthouse I would.
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That’s just the entree — for main you get to sit back and marvel at the elaborate production of the couple photographing each other eating said food. Are we talking foreplay to some 9½ Weeks inspired erotic food-feeding-frenzy? Hope the shark fin comes to life in the bedroom.

There was a hallelujah moment last year when New York restaurants started banning food photography. The usual “freedom of everything” suspects choked on their amuse–bouche in predictable outrage, but f. them — they should be skewered as well.

I’d take a photo of that.

©Steve Williams 2014

Still Sons of Beaches

Posted on by SW

Ok Lisa, you win. If your article was written purely to provoke a reaction… I’m reacting.

I took Be rude and I’ll unleash my kids on you as satire… especially the lines, “The life lesson here is if your kids are driving you nuts, they will drive others nuttier. Use it to your advantage.”

Hilarious. I think.

The issue / problem / living hell of other people’s kids f’ing up your / my holiday is well documented.

I wrote Sons of Beaches a couple of years ago for an Australian news website, and the comments were quite fascinating. Yes, I call abuse fascinating.

Many readers didn’t quite get my point, which was and still is: I don’t want to be disturbed at an über-expensive, obviously not kid-friendly resort / hotel by kids. Mine is 27, so that would be quite a concern.

Lisa seemed somewhat proud of her kids driving couples on romantic weekends out of communal pools, which would have driven me to… Damn. I reacted again. Two nil.

In case you missed it, following an auto-Heimlich manoeuvre, here’s a rerun of Sons of Beaches:

“Dear people of the world. I don’t hate children.

Yes, actually I do, when I’m trying to chill out at an exclusive resort or expensive hotel. “Hate” is slightly harsh, maybe “vehemently dislike”.
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Years later, the Child Catcher is still meeting his KPI’s

In fairness, it is not the kid’s fault, the blame should be laid firmly at the rapidly sunburning feet of the parents. Most kids have the attentive span of a gnat with ADD and become bored quite easily, unless they’re constantly entertained and catered for. What gets me are these selfish parents who take kids to resorts that are obviously “couples retreats” and then proceed to retreat from being a parent. Bored / ignored kid = pissed off other guests.

Hate to break it to you mum and dad, but things do change when you are a parent, you may not think it is très cool to be staying at a resort boasting “Kaptain Krokodile Kidz Clubz” but that is the life you created — literally.

What also gets me are intimate, boutique resorts, or the funky hotels with bars that turn into nightclubs, which say, “we don’t cater for or encourage children”. They may not have the Kidz Klubz, but they often have kids’ menus, kids’ pool toys, happily provide fold-up beds, high chairs etc. Come on, show some intestinal fortitude and simply ban kids, it’s not like your food and beverage profit will take a major hit. How many fish fingers and babyccinos can little Trevor consume? The positive PR you will generate from your real target market will be worth its weight in mini-burgers.

There are an increasing number of “child-free” resorts around the world, even websites nobly dedicated to listing them, though I find it surprising there are not more adults only destinations. I’m not talking about those resorts where you get hit on by sagging, amorous, 75 year old nudists — not that there’s anything wrong with sagging, being 75, amorous, or a nudist, I just find that quadrella somewhat disconcerting.

Interestingly, when I embarked on painstaking, exhaustive research — i.e. Googled “child free resorts”, number four trumpets how “kids stay, eat and play free”. (*it’s now a link to another rant)

Oh, the humanity.”

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2014

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

Abercrombie & Bitch*

Posted on by SW

You have to love media / entertainment / corporate types — ok, anyone who makes an outrageous public statement or is quoted in an interview and then, faced with a blast furnace of (justified) public outrage, bleats “I was taken out of context”.

An uncool A&F customer searches for an apology (and a shirt)

The current Abercrombie and Fitch imbroglio (as opposed to Imbruglia, Natalie — the Australian singer) is quite hilarious. The company’s CEO Mike Jeffries is facing a firestorm (again) for his mind-neuteringly odd comments that his clothing brand is “absolutely exclusionary” and he doesn’t want fat and “not so cool kids” wearing them.

Jeffries made those comments in 2006, but they have come back to bite him on the arse (presumably clad in one of his “prep fit shorts”). He issued a statement this week, saying he believes the quote was “taken out of context”. Then this — “I sincerely regret that my choice of words was interpreted in a manner that has caused offense.” So it’s the interpretation that’s the problem?

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Maybe they should release a range of designer miner’s hats so at least you can see what they’re selling and Jeffries may also be able to see his head that’s so far up his…*

*taken out of context

©Steve Williams 2013