Category: stuff

A lovelorn Aussie’s letter to Kim Kardashian

Posted on by SW

“G’day Kim,

Sorry it’s takin’ me ages to write, but I’ve been off in me ute and just heard the news.

Kim, the Big Wanger is that way…

I can’t believe you punted me for that Carn Yay bloke.
At first I thought it was that Gotyay fella, at least he’s Aussie.

I heard youse and Carn Yay are gettin’ hitched ‘n have a kid named after a compass.

Fair dinkum. So this Carn Yay is ‘sposed to be some creative genius singer? Bullshit.

Yeah no, I reckon I have a pretty good crack at the Oils on Karaoke Night down at the RSL.

I nail Beds Are Burning… that was our song, remember? Not any more it ain’t.
Therefore, men discount viagra usa have to protect their testicles. Nocturnal emissions: It is an involuntary discharge of semen. levitra 40 mg respitecaresa.org Being a generic version of viagra cheap usa, it follows the same mechanism to improve the blood circulation and offers effective cure for fatigue and weakness. This function in return increases the sugar levels in the body, which leads to cialis soft canada increase the blood density. I ‘spose now he sings you one of his crap songs or his sister Beyonsay.

Jeez, I had it all planned Kim.
You could have still done your TV show from out here in Wangarrabee. One of me mates bought one of them flash new Sony Betamax cameras at Cash Converters.

Was it the Aussie food? You know you can get your American food here, Barry at the local truckstop is famous for his Big Wanger.

I heard about Carn Yay’s proposal in that big stadium. He deadset ripped off my idea. I was gunna pop the question at the local footy oval, all me mates would’ve had their utes with the roo spotlights on full bore. Would’ve been lit up like a Christmas tree, real romantic n’that.

Anyhow Kim, I gotta go, they’re about to call the winner of the chook raffle.

Like that song by Carn Yay’s mother, I will always keep up with you.

Love, Trevor”

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2013

Or how I learned to love the bendy phone

Posted on by SW

So I see the boffins at Samsung have burst out of the shed brandishing a bendy phone.

About bloody time too. What took them so long?

Amazing what you can do with the Samsung bendy phone

Seriously, the world has been crying out for a bendy phone, ever since um… ah… you know….

Sadly, it is not called the “Bendy Phone” — that name would not have caused too much stirring in the trouser department of the South Korean Samsung marketing types. No, it has been christened the “Galaxy Round”. As the young people say… “meh”.

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Why do you need your mobile phone to bend anyway? It’s not overly crucial. I can surf the interwebs, send emails, listen to music, take photos, shoot videos, write articles, talk to and hear people, probably even cook a nice beef ragout on my iPhone. The ability to bend or not hasn’t really been a deal-breaker for me. I admire the technology that was developed to enable a phone to bend, but I still don’t get it…  what’s the point, apart from being an extremely ingenious gimmick that will no doubt sell several billionty models?

That may be a bit harsh. Actually, I can think of    (tumbleweeds)    (crickets)    absolutely no reason why I would want a bendy phone. Though, being the media whore that I am, I’m sure if the good burghers of Samsung hand-delivered one to the randomswill corporate humpy, I would shout its praises from more than just rooftops.

Of course you need a bendy phone (sorry, Samsung Galaxy Round)! What are you, freakin’ stupid? You can roll it up and play ping pong with it, transform it into fascinating origami arrangements, shape it into a flavoursome gnocchi, paint it green and introduce him to his equine friend…

©Steve Williams 2013

Shitty Parenting?

Posted on by SW

So I received this sms today: “Woman changing dirty nappy at the next table in our restaurant.”

“Change your kid’s nappy over there”

What is it with some parents? I repeat some parents. At the risk of encouraging a “shit-in” in the lobby of the randomswill corporate HQ, since when is it ok to change a nappy in the middle of a restaurant? *crickets* *tumbleweeds* Exactly.

Do these people lose their minds when they have children, or were they always like that? Did they always have an I-can-do-whatever-the-f-I-want mentality or is just because they have bred?

Remember that recent-ish breastfeeding brouhaha? Australian television personality David Koch was virtually pitchforked for giving his opinion on a story that a nursing mother should be more “classy” in public. The torrent of abuse (obviously not all from mothers) resulted in a “nurse-in” and outraged comments from “lactivists” — you really hope whoever came up with that one had a smile on their face.

If the penis has not long been claimed, he may have to experience off-putting effects cialis viagra australia of the medication. This is not to say order cialis Going Here that beauty will provide happiness, make someone a kind person or maintain or repair a relationship. Chicago Bulls (16) – A strong week has the Chi at the top of their division, Tyrus Thomas is out for a while but Luol Deng is playing the best basketball of his life. canadian viagra sales The pills deactivate all those hormones and enzymes which are root cause of impotency. cost cialis Exactly when did parenting become so political? When did motherhood (and fatherhood) become so militant? When did “lactivist” and “nurse-in” creep into the vernacular? There was another recent case when burning torches were directed at a Sydney café owner — with threats to burn down the premises in response to a discussion she had with a breastfeeding customer. I’m not suggesting nursing mothers moonlight as arsonists, this was more the work of some bandwagon-jumping nutjobs.

I grappled with the whole breastfeeding thing a while ago, to summarise — nursing mothers should not be shamed into retreating anywhere, especially a disgusting toilet, but it might be nice if they showed a bit of discretion rather than boob.

That attitude I mentioned earlier seems to be getting worse — with increasing parenting fails — kids being allowed to run around screaming in cafés/ expensive resorts / hotels / wherever — all because mum and dad want some “me time”. Then there are those Mad Max-inspired strollers blockading doorways and footpaths, to today’s effort — nappy action in a restaurant.

Actually, I might need one of those, because it’s starting to give me the shits.

©Steve Williams 2013

Abscessed With Medical History

Posted on by SW

The chances are fairly slim, but if I were ever to have something named after me, I would prefer a star in a galaxy far, far away — or a postcard-inducing beach — rather than an abscess.

Doctor Strangelove demonstrates Alien Hand Syndrome (wthellokitty.tumblr.com)

I’m sure Sir Benjamin Collins Brodie was a rather pleasant chap who liked patting puppies and drawing unicorns — and by all reports was an outstanding surgeon and physiologist. However, it is an interesting way to be remembered — some poor buggers’ abscess sticking out of his shin being named after you.

Fascinating is it not? Learned medical practitioners devoting their life’s work to science, resulting in their name being solemnly invoked many years later by a poker-faced specialist diagnosing you with Schnitzler Syndrome. Sadly nothing to do with crumbed chicken, this is a rare disease characterised by chronic hives first scratched away by a French dermatologist (according to Wikipedia, so it must be true).

The honour roll of eponymously named medical conditions is rather enlightening.

Bright’s Disease sounds actually rather cheerful, named after one Richard Bright — turns out it is a not overly tremendous chronic nephritis of the kidneys — that was suffered by the author of Dracula, Bram Stoker (there’s one for your next lull in conversation).
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Speaking of those blood-filtering organs (note seamless Dracula segue), Brewer Kidney has nothing to do with drinking copious amounts of amber fluid; George Emerson Brewer knocked the top off that one.

Alliteration buffs will applaud Horton’s Headache, though sufferers of those bastard cluster headaches named after Bayard Taylor Horton will no doubt ask them to keep it down a bit.

In closing, Doctor Strangelove Syndrome is rather gripping — for the fact that it is named after a fictitious fanatical doctor in a classic film, and is otherwise known as Alien Hand Syndrome — where your mind believes it has a hand of its own — or something.

That could come in handy drawing unicorns.

©Steve Williams 2013