Munich’s magnificent English Garden is one of the world’s largest urban parks, and an absolute must when visiting the city.
Stretching around five kilometres from the heart of the city, the English Garden boasts lush fields, 78km of paths utilised by walkers, bikes and horses, two fabulous beer gardens, restaurants,
a Chinese tower, Japanese tea house, Greek temple, surfers and nudists.
Though wandering around with my camera in the last few days, I obviously didn’t encounter the latter. The Kleinhesseloher Lake was frozen over, adding to the whole spectacular winter wonderland atmosphere…
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The world of aviation has come a long way since Orville and Wilbur Wright burst out of the hangar on that December morning in 1903.
Rectal turbulence is no laughing matter
Or has it?
Today, airlines have a mission to cram as many passengers sorry, make optimum use of available cabin space for the ultimate comfort of their stakeholders.
We all know seats are shrinking, the already virtually non-existent legroom is decreasing before our sleep-deprived eyes, while in airline company evil laboratories, sadistic boffins are conjuring up and registering patents for truly cruel and inhumane seating configurations.
Some of these designs forged among the searing flames of hell include two rows of seats sandwiched on top of each other and “saddle seats” where passengers apparently squat,
which would require hamstrings of steel for a nice 16-hour jaunt.
Other patents include a seating configuration with passengers facing each other, standing seats, double-arse bench seats for the big-boned flyer, to the option of seating passengers inside a bubble on top of the aircraft.
They have to be taking the piss, which would not be difficult when you are sitting in that squat seat.
The next step I assume will be a seat bolted to the wing. Imagine the breathless (literally) marketing spin, “Experience unforgettable 360 degree panoramic vistas from the comfort of your seat.”
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I don’t have any conclusive medical evidence on the subject, and it would make
a fascinating thesis, but what is it with flying and farting?
Why is it that people become frequent flatulators at 43,000 feet?
Do they normally practice these disgusting anal acoustics in the comfort of their home, or do they kindly wait until they are in close, inescapable proximity with 400 poor unsuspecting souls before cutting the cheese – and I don’t mean the platter on the tray table. The culprits are always fat, bloated business men. You know who you are.
These are serious questions. I am not being classist about these arse-blasts.
Indeed, the wafting cloud of rectal turbulence can be experienced equally in economy and business class.
From personal experience, the methane menace is worse at the pointy end, and has woken me up like some cheek-squeak alarm clock. Makes you want to reach for the oxygen mask.
I implore airlines to implement a zero tolerance policy on backdoor belches, with ejector seats activated for passengers who play the trouser tuba, not to mention use corny fart euphemisms.
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My spa anxiety kicked in while filling in the form — I was handed a cup of hibiscus unicorn tears tea or something. I shouldn’t drink it because I’ll have to sprint to the toilet halfway through.
I felt nothing like this after my spa treatment
Then the change room. What do I need to take off? Everything? Just for a back massage?
So why are those useless disposable undies there? Am I supposed to wear them?
If yes, which way do they go? And why are they so see-through?
Which way does the robe go on?
Remember that time it had to go on backwards Hannibal Lecter style?
Do I have to wear these thongs? (Australian footwear usage)
Who wore them before? What if they had tinea / leprosy / the Black Death?
Ok, so far so good, I’m face down with my head poking through that furry toilet seat thing.
I’m only having a back massage, so why have my undies been simultaneously rolled down and aside to give me a pseudo Sumo / Bondi lifesaver style wedgie?
What if the therapist cracks something and I now have the communication skills of an artichoke?
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Why are they pressing so hard on my kidneys?
Feels like they’re going to burst through my scrotum.
Why am I oiled up like the last meal Elvis Presley ate?
What are you doing near my arse?
“How is the pressure?” I want to scream “You’re f*cking killing me!”, but don’t want to sound weak.
It’s over. “Yes that was wonderful, thanks.” I lied.
A massage in a spa is like a physiotherapy session at a demented dentist — accompanied by mystical rainforest music.
Great. Now I have post spa anxiety stress disorder.
