Tag: Beyoncé

A lovelorn Aussie’s letter to Kim Kardashian

Posted on by SW

“G’day Kim,

Sorry it’s takin’ me ages to write, but I’ve been off in me ute and just heard the news.

Kim, the Big Wanger is that way…

I can’t believe you punted me for that Carn Yay bloke.
At first I thought it was that Gotyay fella, at least he’s Aussie.

I heard youse and Carn Yay are gettin’ hitched ‘n have a kid named after a compass.

Fair dinkum. So this Carn Yay is ‘sposed to be some creative genius singer? Bullshit.

Yeah no, I reckon I have a pretty good crack at the Oils on Karaoke Night down at the RSL.

I nail Beds Are Burning… that was our song, remember? Not any more it ain’t.
I ‘spose now he sings you one of his crap songs or his sister Beyonsay.

Jeez, I had it all planned Kim.
You could have still done your TV show from out here in Wangarrabee. One of me mates bought one of them flash new Sony Betamax cameras at Cash Converters.

Was it the Aussie food? You know you can get your American food here, Barry at the local truckstop is famous for his Big Wanger.

I heard about Carn Yay’s proposal in that big stadium. He deadset ripped off my idea. I was gunna pop the question at the local footy oval, all me mates would’ve had their utes with the roo spotlights on full bore. Would’ve been lit up like a Christmas tree, real romantic n’that.

Anyhow Kim, I gotta go, they’re about to call the winner of the chook raffle.

Like that song by Carn Yay’s mother, I will always keep up with you.

Love, Trevor”

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2013

“Smells like…?” The Rash of Celebrity Perfumes

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the world. A doctorate on the psychology of people who purchase “celebrity perfumes” would be quite fascinating reading. I’m not that much of a deep-thinker so I’ll merely postulate — WTF?

I don’t get it. Do these fragrant-followers really want to smell like *insert celebrity name*?

Everything you need to purchase a celebrity perfume

I can honestly say I have never had the slightest desire to smell like Britney Spears, Justin Bieber, Bruce Willis, Peter Andre (c’mon, you remember Mysterious Girl – no?) or Elizabeth Taylor — especially not in her current state.

The other even more weird option, is that people feel a connection, or worse, want to be that person. That conjures up rather unsavoury images of Jame “Buffalo Bill” Gumb in The Silence of the Lambs who had something of a penchant for ladies’ coats — as it were.

The concept of celebrity perfumes is actually older than I thought — one Tabe Slioor — a Finnish reporter, photographer and socialite was apparently one of the first to unleash a fragrance,
the creatively titled “Tabe” back in 1963. Since then, the floodgates have opened with athletes, singers, TV and film stars — and Peter Andre — all putting their name, sorry, being “heavily involved in every aspect of the design and production.”

Always one to outdo virtually everything and everyone, Lady Gaga’s “Fame” fragrance was reported to have notes of “blood and semen” in the media frenzy leading up to the launch.
No, I’m good, thanks Gaga. The end product was thankfully bodily fluid free, as usual the media were snapping up the morsels of bait she cleverly lobs their way.

Speaking of bait, I wonder if Beyoncé fans have turned up to one of her concerts having liberally doused themselves in “Heat” or “Pulse” so she’d notice them.

You’d like to think not, but then again…

©Steve Williams 2012