The Ashes | random swill

The Ashes On Ice – Cricket Doesn’t Get Hotter™

Posted on April 22, 2018February 13, 2019 by SW

So the “leadership group” (I use that term advisedly) of the Australian cricket team has sanctioned premeditated ball-tampering… cheating.

Cricket Australia needs an urgent fix. Something to restore the faith of the Australian and global cricket fraternity.

Fear not. I’ve been rummaging around the team kit bag and next to the stained and battered protector, I discovered something that may just save Australian cricket: The Ashes On Ice.

This concept is an absolute jaffa* as Shane Warne says during British TV cricket commentary when he’s pretending to be English. *A jaffa in Australia has a different, orange / chocolatey meaning.

The Ashes On Ice. Just let that sink in.

Imagine the crowd chanting “LILLEE LILLEE” as Dennis Lillee circa 1975 slides to the top of his mark… turns, and comes steaming in from the Nursery End. Gold necklace bouncing…
moustache bristling… ice shredding… that look of unbridled fire towards W.G. Grace who is stoically anticipating a bouncer aimed at his throat. Oh, I didn’t mention the animatronics?

Think about it. Imagine seeing the long-departed Our Don Bradman, Fiery Fred Trueman, Keith Miller, Richie Benaud and other legends of the game get off the ice and promptly back on it?

I already have boffins working in the shed on the technology where Jeff Thomson would try and knock over Sir Leonard Hutton, Beefy Botham at his prime sledging Victor Trumper who promptly hits him into his own stand at the SCG. Ian Chappell dancing down the pitch to Alec Bedser. Tony Greig sticking his keys into the ice. The possibilities are endless.

Why ice? Why not.

We can recreate the infamous Bodyline series with those arch-villains Larwood, Jardine and Voce taking on the courageous Aussies.

It doesn’t have to stop at Australia v the old enemy. Imagine the unbeatable West Indies,
with the great Viv Richards just chilling out on the ice. Viv never wore a helmet when he batted,
he wouldn’t need ice skates.

The greats of India, South Africa, Pakistan and New Zealand… all battling it out.
Don’t tell me you wouldn’t want to relive the infamous underarm bowling incident… on ice?
Then there are the streakers…

“Yes, hello… is that Cricket Australia…?”

©Steve Williams 2018

History of The Ashes (part 1)

Posted on July 9, 2015February 14, 2019 by SW

To celebrate the resumption of hostilities between Australia and England (aka “The Old Enemy”), here is “History of The Ashes (part 1)”.

1899 – Victor Trumper joins the Channel Nine commentary team.

1882 – The iconic Ashes trophy is created, containing the charred remains of a Shane Warne selfie.

1886 – England refuse to play. Request the series is settled by a “jolly good chinwag” instead.

1894 – English captain Andrew Stoddart is outraged at the cost of a pie, chips and beer
in the Doug Walters Stand at the Sydney Cricket Ground and tweets his disgust.

1896 – Cricket’s first streaker attempts to hurdle the wicket at Old Trafford, receives a nasty blow just outside the off stump.

1899 – Victor Trumper joins the Channel Nine commentary team.

1904 – Spectators take six hours to get out of the Adelaide Oval car park. A broken down steam-driven motor Phaeton is responsible.

1909 – Sledging is invented. Dennis Bargearse-Smythe fielding at gully at Lord’s says to Australian batsman Monty Noble, “I say convict, that thick top edge should have you transported back to the colonies.” The slips cordon erupt with laughter and cries of “what ho!”

1911 – David Boon tastes beer for the first time.

1912 – Dennis Lillee’s moustache is created in the CERN laboratory in Geneva, Switzerland.

1920 – The first documented usage of “Avagoyamug” is recorded.

1924 – Shane Warne denies having plastic surgery, blames Instagram filters.

1934 – Michael Clarke is accused of being “brash and arrogant”.

1936 – Australia win the series without a shot being offered. Don Bradman merely meditates in the lotus position just outside the popping crease.

1938 – “I feel like a Tooheys or two” is selected by referendum as Australia’s new national anthem.

Shock selection for Asylum Seeker Ashes

Posted on November 10, 2013February 14, 2019 by SW

Australian cricket’s bold recruitment scheme has proved to be a stunning success.

“Boato” talking to potential bat sponsors today (ABC News)

In what is being seen as a snub to the so-called “Centres of Excellence” and “High Performance Managers”, an asylum seeker arrived on Christmas Island dressed as an Australian cricketer.

This is perfect timing for the upcoming Ashes series.

“Boato” as he was named in the traditional beer-soaked nickname ceremony, identified himself as “a fast bowler” as he stepped off the MV Yeah No Wait kitted-out in nautical quality, high-vis Australian one day cricket gear.

Sources confirm that in gruelling net sessions (strung up fishing nets) on the boat, he was “rather handy” with the delicate late cut, and “not too shabby” with the hoik over cow corner, and managed to obtain reverse swing out of the timber deck when the boat listed badly off Ashmore Reef.

So “Boato” is in fact an all-rounder, which is very timely due to “Watto” being under the proverbial niggling injury cloud or in Australian cricket parlance, “buggered”.

Boato has embraced Australian cricket wholeheartedly — while numerous balls were being fished out of the Indian Ocean, he was seen engrossed in Ricky Ponting’s book, though it is unknown whether he is #TeamPunter or #TeamPup.

Questions are being asked at the highest level as to how Boato and his teammates got through to the Christmas Island keeper, given the left-elbow-very-high-forward-defensive manoeuvres in stopping the swing bowlers and turning back the tweakers. A source claimed Boato slipped through the cracks as the government has not released guidelines concerning soundbite expressions for all-rounders.

Boato will be rushed into the Australian XI and has already signed up for Dancing With This Stars. His signature range of fishing rods and autobiography Boato – In At The Deep End will be released tomorrow.

UPDATE November 12: “Boato” was not announced in Australia’s squad for the First test.
This is obviously a ruse to confuse England.

Tag: The Ashes

The Ashes On Ice – Cricket Doesn’t Get Hotter™

History of The Ashes (part 1)

Shock selection for Asylum Seeker Ashes

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