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What the actual fugg? They’ve changed the Fucking name!

Posted on by SW

You only have to watch The Sound of Music to know that Austrians have no sense of humour. Recent devastating news has confirmed this. 

The Fucking ambience

There’s a village in Austria called Fucking that I have had the absolute pleasure of visiting.

But you wouldn’t fucking believe it… they’re changing the Fucking name. 

What the actual fuck? Fucking is a perfectly Fucking good name. 

I can attest that Fucking is a quaint Fucking village. I had an absolute Fucking wonderful day.

The good burghers of Fucking are apparently sick of the Fucking tourists and are changing the Fucking name, which has only been the Fucking name since 1070. The Fucking change takes effect January 1.

It’s an absolute travesty. The local Fucking pub will suffer… many Fucking visitors have enjoyed a Fucking good lunch there. I even bought some official Fucking beer.

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The Fucking officials are reportedly annoyed with Fucking tourists stealing the Fucking signs and spoiling the Fucking ambience. Trust me, there was no Fucking ambience. I didn’t see a living Fucking soul.

It gets worse… they’re changing the Fucking name to Fugging. 

What the actual fugg does Fugging even mean?

How the fugg could they even think this is a Fugging good name?

Who gives a flying fugg about a fugging village in the middle of fugging nowhere called Fugging?

I realise that’s what they fugging well want, but they can seriously fugg right off. 

For fug’s sake, stop fugging around and just go back to the old Fucking name. 

©Steve Williams 2020

Coronavirus – just beat it (hee, hee)

Posted on by SW

So maybe Michael Jackson was right after all.

The mask… I’m talking about the mask.

Wacko Jacko hasn’t been moonwalking through these unprecedented times (DRINK!!) but he was rather partial to a mask. I’m not sure if it was to shield him from potential airborne viruses or pesky paparazzi. More likely, it was to stop his nose falling off.

Where I live, masks are compulsory in shops and on public transport and I am growing quite accustomed to wearing one. Though, unlike the angel-like healthcare workers, I don’t have to wait until the end of a harrowing 97 hour shift, I can take the mask off after buying a carton of milk or catching a train.

Masks do pose some etiquette questions, including greeting friends and acquaintances etc. I assume one of those etiquette whisperers who pop up on talkback radio when someone touches the Queen has a website devoted to this.

I’ve had a few haircuts since the start of the unpleasantness, and it is a novel (spot the coronavirus reference) experience removing the strap while holding one side of the mask in place as the lovely Tim wields his magic. I don’t mind a chat at the hairdresser, but via two masks, the conversation is as filtered as hopefully the bits of COVID-19.

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Non-verbal communication is challenging with the mask, you take the power of the smile for granted. I’m deliberately trying to smile more with my eyes, or to use that godawful word… “smize”.

It was interesting at a restaurant the other night watching people arrive wearing masks, then, like a weird masquerade party (thankfully not Eyes Wide Shut weird), they facially disrobed as they sat at their table – or for English readers, “were sat at their table.”

I’m amused by the cliched-redneck-Trump-lovin’-pickup-truck-drivin’-Confederate-flag-wavin’ types who are up in arms (literally) about having to wear a mask to protect others and themselves, but demand their rights to the 62th Amendment that they can carry a big fuckoff bazooka into a Wendy’s for their protection.

STFU and just wear a mask.

I’m not a virologist and can’t confirm the number of eyes the coronavirus has, but as Michael Jackson so eloquently sang, “There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl.”

©Steve Williams 2020

Post-coronavirus wishlist

Posted on by SW

Strange days have found us. The Doors nailed it in 1967.

With the unimaginable horrific devastation COVID–19 is causing, it is virtually impossible to see a silver lining, though once this is over, there are some things that I would like to see remain.

My kind of social distancing

*Social distancing: Apart from the obvious health reasons, I’m enjoying people keeping their distance for once. I have never been a fan of people breathing down my neck in a supermarket queue, sitting on top of my beach towel or right next to me in a three quarters empty cinema or restaurant.

*Email more, meet less: As a freelance writer working predominantly from home, nothing much has changed for me. Formerly office-bound colleagues are realising those mind-numbingly dull five hour meetings could have been an email and that working from home has its benefits.

*Random acts of humanity: A strange thing has happened. People are generally being a lot nicer to each other, apart from the usual racist suspects, celebrities and certain presidents spouting dangerous medical “advice” and occasional nutjobs licking railway ticket machines and deliberately coughing on people. There are wonderful stories of community groups and individuals lending a hand to the vulnerable, including 99-year-old Army veteran Captain (hopefully Sir) Tom Moore in the UK, to companies previously not in the ventilator, hand sanitiser and personal protective equipment business changing tack to help out.

*Value our real heroes: Thankfully, the focus now is on the usually unappreciated workers… nurses, paramedics, hospital porters, nursing home staff, supermarket staff, school teachers, public transport workers, cleaners, delivery drivers and many more. They have emerged as the real heroes of our society. Hopefully they won’t be forgotten once we get through this.

*Environmentally friendly: The environment has rebooted. There are weird blue skies in Beijing and the waters off Venice are clear without the cruise ships vomiting pollution… and tourists. Enjoy it while it lasts.

*Creativity in captivity: Families in lockdown have invented new and old school creative ways to entertain themselves. Conversation, jigsaw puzzles and board games are back in vogue, TikTok videos about, well, just about everything are being shot.

Speaking of which, school shootings are non-existent. Hard to shoot up a school when they’re closed. So there is a slight sliver of a silver lining.

©Steve Williams 2020

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The old man wasn’t sure what to do

Posted on by SW

The old man wasn’t sure what to do. 

He looked down at the piece of paper in his hand, back up, then back down.

The words in his wife’s neat handwriting, TOILET PAPER. 

She’d written the shopping list in big letters because he never wears his bloody glasses.
This was the last thing on his list. He tried to steady his shaking hand and read it again.

TOILET PAPER.

The old man was doing the shopping for his wife. They normally do it together, slowly shuffling the block or two up the street, always holding hands. Always.

She wasn’t up to it today. 

He didn’t understand. How can there be no toilet paper?

Maybe I’m in the wrong aisle.  

But it was here last week.

There’s always toilet paper. 

Maybe they’ve moved it. 

He read the words again, hoping that would somehow make it appear. TOILET PAPER.

Why would they move the toilet paper? 

Maybe they don’t sell it anymore. 

But they’d have to sell toilet paper. 

I can see those labels on the shelf, below all the empty space. 

TOILET PAPER.

Doesn’t make any sense.

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The old man wasn’t sure what to do. The entire aisle was empty.
They needed toilet paper. His wife…

Here comes someone.

A man pushing a trolley with four of those big packs of toilet paper in it. 

Maybe he works here. 

“Excuse me, can I have a packet of that toilet paper?”

“You’re too late, it’s all gone.”

“Are you going to put that on the shelf?”

“No, I don’t work here, this is mine. I got the last of it.”

“Could I please have a packet of it?”

“No. We need it.”

“But we don’t have any…”

“I said no.”

“Just one pack please… my wife…”

“No, fuck off you old bastard, this thing will kill you soon anyway.”

The old man wasn’t sure what to do.

©Steve Williams 2020