Cricket memories — as summer as cicadas

Officially, summer starts in Australia on December 1, but to me it’s when the first ball is bowled in the first cricket test.

To mark the occasion, here are some of my random childhood cricket memories.

“Don’t rub ’em, count ’em” — Balls of Steel circa 1980

*Watching two blokes carry a polystyrene esky chock-full of beer bottles (KB?) in front of The Hill at the Sydney Cricket Ground in 1975, when the arse fell out of it. The beer shattered, they were shattered. The crowd roared, the players laughed.

*Foraging in a box of washing powder (OMO?) to discover a cricket card. That smell has stayed with me for forty years.

*The religious experience of buying a brand new Kookaburra cricket ball. Opening the box, unwrapping the paper, gently taking it out. Earnestly polishing (one side) until you could see your beaming face, and never letting it touch the ground.

*My World Series Cricket t-shirt that I wore until it had to retire hurt.

*Tony Greig walking out to bat wearing a motorbike helmet to much laughter. Later sticking his car keys in the pitch while solemnly discussing the mythical “player comfort level” off the high-tech “weather wall”.

*Getting that first “cherry” on your new cricket bat.

*The body-trembling / mind-numbing nervousness of approaching your favourite cricket player on the fence for an autograph, then the exalted glee as you float away gazing at the scrawled signature. I felt exactly the same way meeting Viv Richards when I was 37.

*Missing seeing a test hat-trick. A day at the cricket with dad, who wanted to leave early because the car park “is a shitfight”. We heard the crowd erupt — three times — from said car park.
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*The terror of facing a “rep” fast bowler who started his run-up in the next suburb, and was so fast he had to stop and rest before he actually unleashed the red missile.

*Inventing day / night cricket as a kid in 1977: playing backyard cricket until mum called you in for dinner, then resuming after turning on the single Portaflood light, until mum called “stumps”.

*The voice of Alan McGilvray.

*The “Balls of Steel incident” of 1980. Bowling in a school cricket match, the ball slipped out of my hand and hit the batsmen on the full, in the, er, groinal region. He didn’t flinch. I raced down the pitch “Sorry, mate, are you ok? Good thing you’re wearing a protector.” — “I’m not.”

*Getting into fights for supporting the West Indies instead of Australia (I just preferred the way they played the game). Coruba rum is still a beverage of choice.

*The sound of the stitching of that new Kookaburra cricket ball whizzing past your nose as you missed a hoik over cow corner.

*The image of Dennis Lillee flicking sweat off his brow at the top of his run-up, then that bouncing gold chain as he thundered into bowl.

*Walking into bat, being handed a still-warm protector the just-dismissed batsman had just removed. Talk about player comfort levels.

C’mon Aussie, c’mon…

©Steve Williams 2013

Or how I learned to love the bendy phone

So I see the boffins at Samsung have burst out of the shed brandishing a bendy phone.

About bloody time too. What took them so long?

Amazing what you can do with the Samsung bendy phone

Seriously, the world has been crying out for a bendy phone, ever since um… ah… you know….

Sadly, it is not called the “Bendy Phone” — that name would not have caused too much stirring in the trouser department of the South Korean Samsung marketing types. No, it has been christened the “Galaxy Round”. As the young people say… “meh”.

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Why do you need your mobile phone to bend anyway? It’s not overly crucial. I can surf the interwebs, send emails, listen to music, take photos, shoot videos, write articles, talk to and hear people, probably even cook a nice beef ragout on my iPhone. The ability to bend or not hasn’t really been a deal-breaker for me. I admire the technology that was developed to enable a phone to bend, but I still don’t get it…  what’s the point, apart from being an extremely ingenious gimmick that will no doubt sell several billionty models?

That may be a bit harsh. Actually, I can think of    (tumbleweeds)    (crickets)    absolutely no reason why I would want a bendy phone. Though, being the media whore that I am, I’m sure if the good burghers of Samsung hand-delivered one to the randomswill corporate humpy, I would shout its praises from more than just rooftops.

Of course you need a bendy phone (sorry, Samsung Galaxy Round)! What are you, freakin’ stupid? You can roll it up and play ping pong with it, transform it into fascinating origami arrangements, shape it into a flavoursome gnocchi, paint it green and introduce him to his equine friend…

©Steve Williams 2013

Great (and not so) moments in Aussie Advertising #453

So I was weighing in on an important social media question the other day about “A man’s most attractive organ”. As you do. My answer was obviously “Wurlitzer or “Hammond”, which then had me thinking about an Australian TV commercial that’s seared into the neural connections of my brain:

Sadly the co-musical and mysterious “Donna” was absent in this one. Can’t remember if she ever appeared with Chris in his organ warehouse.

Australia has produced some television commercial gold. Here are a few other standouts from my misspent youth — obviously watching too much TV:

The hair! The clothes! The dancing! The cinematography! That random woman at the start of the ad! Only the cool people drank Moove. The band Dragon reworked one of their songs for the ad, which sounded like all their other songs. I’m suggesting the bloke standing on the pole and the tree people may have been imbibing something slightly stronger than chocolate milk.

Speaking of beverages:

Yep, the late 1970’s. Rolling ’round the world in a bubble seemed like a pretty good idea. Loved that and all the Coke ads back then. They were ahead of their time — the hobby / sport / stupidity of encasing oneself in a sphere is now called “Zorbing”. Unfortunately it didn’t quite “add life” to two blokes in Russia earlier this year.

Then we had that staple of advertising — pseudo science:

The good professor would terrify the kids into eating chocolate. Mrs Marsh had a somewhat softer approach:

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High production values you ask? You’re welcome:

Tony became a local politician in Sydney for a few years (combining two of the world’s most trusted occupations), but had a bit of drama concerning planting listening devices in his car dealership. No doubt to hear customers saying how good his ads were.

Don’t think he purchased said devices from here:

“Don’t let your pussy get too thin”… get it? Thaaaaaaaaat’s where you get it.

After slaving away over a hot keyboard, I know what I feel like…

A stirring, patriotic ad, though I always thought it weird there were no crowd shots of euphoric sunburnt types soaking up the amber fluid fuelled victory.

But who gives a rat’s arse? It’s beer, blokes doing blokey things, beer, moustaches, sweat, beer, groins, sport, beer, cricket, beer. F*ck I love bein’ an Aussie, mate.

Have an, er, musical day…

©Steve Williams 2013

Abercrombie & Bitch*

You have to love media / entertainment / corporate types — ok, anyone who makes an outrageous public statement or is quoted in an interview and then, faced with a blast furnace of (justified) public outrage, bleats “I was taken out of context”.

An uncool A&F customer searches for an apology (and a shirt)

The current Abercrombie and Fitch imbroglio (as opposed to Imbruglia, Natalie — the Australian singer) is quite hilarious. The company’s CEO Mike Jeffries is facing a firestorm (again) for his mind-neuteringly odd comments that his clothing brand is “absolutely exclusionary” and he doesn’t want fat and “not so cool kids” wearing them.

Jeffries made those comments in 2006, but they have come back to bite him on the arse (presumably clad in one of his “prep fit shorts”). He issued a statement this week, saying he believes the quote was “taken out of context”. Then this — “I sincerely regret that my choice of words was interpreted in a manner that has caused offense.” So it’s the interpretation that’s the problem?

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Maybe they should release a range of designer miner’s hats so at least you can see what they’re selling and Jeffries may also be able to see his head that’s so far up his…*

*taken out of context

©Steve Williams 2013